A pee-po' crisis of epic proportions

Ok.  I promised you a pic, and today's the big day.

First, here's the story that goes with it.

My sister and I were driving from Texas to New Mexico for Thanksgiving, 2009 (I have always loved a good road trip.  Thanks, Dad!).  About 30 minutes into the trip, I was stopped for speeding and got a ticket.  Yeah, it happens to me sometimes.  Ok, a lot.  But more often when my sister is in the car distracting me.


Anyway, we can't believe the latest ticket because it follows one I got the last time we took this trip, so from this point on we pledge to be extra careful with how fast we go.


I drive most of the way, cuz that's how much I love to drive, but after about 8 hours, my butt body starts to hurt, and I ask my sister to drive.  She does.  We're on an open stretch of road that is pretty much straight, but I don't love driving here because there are only two lanes and it's easy to get stuck behind someone.  This makes me much more susceptible to speeding because I hate being trapped behind someone.  I like my road to be open, thank you very much.  So, she's driving, and we're trying to make it to the next town.  Without speeding.  We think we have a pretty good plan about pee stops.  Turns out, not so much.


About an hour after she starts driving, I tell her I have to pee.  We are between 2 towns that are literally about 2 hours apart, with no gas stations or bathrooms the whole way.  I think I can make it.  I just want her to know I need to go.

About 10 minutes pass and I'm watching the clock the whole time, and it's as if the crazy doc from Back to the Future came with his Delorean and started monkeying with the way time works.  Every minute=one hour in this new universe.

My sister is telling some story, and instead of laughing and interrupting her constantly like I usually do, I am focused only on my bladder and how full it feels.  I'm pretty sure it's going to rupture like a Spongebob Squarepants pinata at a first grader's birthday party if I don't relieve this pressure soon.  But I'm a road trip warrior.  I have experience and skillz.  Yes, with a z.  That's how good I am.  I can make it.  I will breathe deeply and I will not make a mess in my now-cherished Nissan.

Me: I can't even think about what you're saying.  I really have to go.
Her:  Really?  Ok.  Well, I'll try to go a little faster.  Can you make it?
Me:  I mean, I guess I have to.  How long do you think we have 'til a bathroom?  Like 30 minutes?
Her:  Umm.  I think it's more like an hour or so.
Me:  How fast are you going?  70?  What's the speed limit?  Can you go 75?
Her:  I don't know.  I didn't see a sign after we switched.  I don't wanna go 75 if it's 65.
Me:  Yeah.  You're right.  Just stick with 70.  We don't need another ticket.


Then.  It happens.  She sees the lights in the rear-view mirror.  It's the po'-po' comin' for us.

Me:  Aw, MAN!  Now I'm REALLY not gonna make it!
Her:  What do I do?  Where do I stop??  (She's freaked out and starting to panic a little.  She obviously doesn't get stopped as often as I do.)

Me:  Just slow down and pull over to the shoulder.  Slowly.  It's ok.  I'm getting the papers.  You're fine.  (Ever the older sister, even in a pee-po' crisis.)
Her:  Ok.  How do I do this?  What do I do with the gearshift!?  (She still drives a standard, which is all we've both ever driven.  My Nissan is 2 years old, and my first automatic.  I'm pretty sure adrenaline negates any knowledge of driving an automatic that you didn't have when you were 20 years old.)
Me:  It's ok.  Just put it in park.  Up.  Remember?  I really have to go! 

So she puts it in park, I give her her license and the insurance, and the cop approaches my side of the car.


Cop:  Hi Ladies.  How you doing today?
Us: f-f-f-iiine.
Cop:  Do you know how fast you were going?
My sister:  Uh.  no.
Cop:  Do you know what the speed limit is?
My sister:  Uh.  (Then she does this slow motion turn of her head only.  Toward a speed limit sign that happens to be right in front of where she parked on the shoulder.  Hellooo McFly!  Then she SLOWLY, like a sloth, turns her head back to him and says...) 65?  (We all laugh a little, including him.)
Cop:  Yes.  That's right.  Very good.  You were going much faster than that.  What's the big hurry today?
Me:  She was trying to get us to [the next town].  I really have to go to the bathroom.
Her:  (At the same time I am saying the above, my sister says the following...) She really has to pee!
Cop:  [chuckle]  Well, I'll be right back.


My inner dialogue:  Oh my god, I have to pee pee peeeee.  What if I went and did it right now, right there while he is running our plates?  Would that be a bad idea?  Probably.  I better not.  But I cannot wait.  There are going to be FabuLeslie bladder fragments all over this Nissan in about 90 seconds!  Are there still kleenex back there in the back seat?  Can I get a ticket for public urination?... My luck, probably so....  Can I claim I have uromycitysis and might die if I don't pee, like Seinfeld did in that parking garage episode?  That was hilarious!  I love the part where the people won't stop to help Elaine with her fish...  I wonder if that cop is a Seinfeld fan.  Man, I feel bad.  I wish I hadn't made her feel like she had to speed...

Me:  Sorry, sister.  Thanks for trying to get me to a bathroom.  I guess this will be our most expensive trip for a while.
Her:  Yeah.  We could have flown for this price, now!
Me:  Did you have to say the word "pee" to the police officer?!!?


We start giggling.  Like you do in church or in school or somewhere really inappropriate.


Cop:  Ok, Ma'am.  I'm gonna give you a warning this time.  Just slow it down ok?  Be safe out here.
Her:  Ok.  Yes, sir.  Thank you.  How far is [the next town]?
Cop:  About 45 minutes or so.
Me:  OH, I can't make it that long!!!  (At this point, my inner dialogue is jumping out and becoming outer dialogue without my permission.)
Her: Is it ok if she goes right there in the weeds?
Him:  (chuckle, snort)  Well, if someone sees you and is offended and complains, then it's against the law, but otherwise, I'm not gonna know what you do once I drive away... I guess that's your own business...
Us:  Ok.  Thanks... 

...As we were thanking him, he was already gone.  His car peeled out and turned around the opposite direction and drove off, back from whence it came...


I grabbed some tissue, jumped out of the car, and took care of business.  My dear, sweet, sister, of course, grabbed her new blackberry and snapped a couple pics.

I learned years ago that, as a woman, if you ever have to pee in front of someone, you face them.  Although your instinct is to turn around and face the other way, that leads to much more exposure.  (As in, "We saw FabuLeslie's a$$, we saw FabuLeslie's a$$..."  Yeah.  I know.  Weren't your 20s grand?)  Find this and other tips in my new book: How to Pee in Public (and get pics of it) Without Being Overexposed.

I didn't have a blog at that time, but this was a story that helped me decide I should start one.  We shared the tale with our parents and our other sister over hysterical laughter, near tears that Thanksgiving.


Ahh.  I wonder what unexpected events are in store for me on Road Trip 2010 during the Summer of FabuLeslie.  Stay tuned to find out.  It's Memorial Day which means the Summer of FabuLeslie starts now.

Thank you, Veterans and family members,
for your selfless service and sacrifice.