How to Avoid The Bends (for Teachers)

There's a condition that many of us, even non-nautical types, know about that divers work hard to avoid.  It's called "the bends."  It happens as "gases come out of solution and into bubbles inside the body on depressurization."  It can be deadly.  Literally.

As a teacher, you face a similar risk when you go back to work after a heavenly summer of not washing your hair lounging, seeing friends and family who don't live that far away but that you never get to see during the school year exotic traveling, eating whatever anyone puts in front of you at more restaurants than you saw in the past 9 months fine dining, and watching every reality show known to man enjoying quality entertainment.  Enter the real world too quickly and BAM!  Before you know it, bubbles have collected in your gut, and you have joint pain, a rash, and severe paralysis.

Ok.  That's just a metaphor, but still.  It's a tough adjustment.  Because I began the process on Monday, and I am using a technique I have gradually perfected over the past 5 years, I thought I'd share my process with you.  If you're a teacher, you're welcome.  If you know and love a teacher, please share this post with them.  You, know, for the sake of their health.

Back to School Safety Tips for Teachers: Day 1
1) Fifteen days before the first day of school, drive to your school.  You should be able to find it easily by getting in your car before 8:00 A.M. and sleep-driving without paying attention.  Stop and get coffee on the way, even if you haven't had coffee for over a month.  This will help you avoid depressing thoughts for at least 4 hours.
2) Get the very heavy box of books your parents gave you out of your trunk.  Carefully balance your coffee and water bottle on top.  As sweat drips into your eyes and you can't spare a hand to wipe it off, remember, it's 90 degrees now, but it'll be 107 later, so this is definitely worth it.
3) Walk into the school.  Don't worry about not having your keys yet, you'll have enough responsibility in a few days, and anyway, you need that hand for carrying things.
4) Say hello to everyone you see.  This won't take long because the only person in the building will be the administrative assistant.  Ask her about her summer even though you know everything she did this summer because you're friends on facebook.
5) Head to your room with your coffee, water, purse, and giant box of books.  When you see a gecko and a roach sharing the same square yard of the hallway, don't freak out and curse like a sailor like you would in your home.  Instead, practice looking around for a small child to invite to catch them and take them outside.  When you don't find a child, practice ignoring the creatures by looking the other way.  Imagine that you just got free systematic desensitization therapy.
6) Open your classroom door.  Walk in and audibly oooo and ahhh about the renovations that have changed about one third of your hallway wall into a window.  Say out loud how much bigger and brighter the room looks.  Don't worry that no one is in the room to hear your observation.  Soon you're gonna have to speak more words in one day than you have spoken in a week during the summer, so it's best to practice now.

7) Walk over to your desk and move it approximately 2 feet to where it belongs.  Wow, that's heavy!
8) Stop and take a drink of your coffee for fortitude.  Sure, as a recovering caffeine addict, you might feel a little jittery, but it's ok.  Just shake it off and remember you're doing this for the kids.
9) Begin to take the protective plastic off your computer.   Don't hurt yourself.  Despite what people think, plastic bags can be very heavy if you haven't lifted anything heavier than a remote control for 2 months.  If you feel you're working too hard, stop right there.
10) Go find your friend in the kindergarten hallway.  You'll feel better when you see she hasn't done much yet either.  Chat for about 15 minutes and then let her get to work, for God's sake.  She's got a lot to do!

11) Stop by the office and chat with the administrative assistant.  When she 'reminds you' of a meeting tomorrow from 1:00-4:00, don't let her know that you were unaware of said meeting because you haven't checked work email all summer long.  Instead, just smile, nod, get the hell outta there!  That classroom and everything in it will still be there tomorrow.