Recently, I did a self-guided retreat in my home. I always love when I get the chance to have Thanksgiving on my own, and this was one of those years. I had considered doing a silent retreat, but was too intimidated to do that, so I instead ended up doing a Social Interaction Fast/Heart Chakra Retreat. That wasn't already a thing before me, it's a name I made up for the retreat that I wanted to have. The point of it was to protect my heart chakra --which tends to be too open-- and allow for some real downtime. My heart chakra tends to be very open, and I tend to be highly sensitive, which is a combination that allows my soul to be bombarded with other people's energy on a daily basis. Being more intentional about how open my heart chakra is, and creating better boundaries in my life are things that take steady, deliberate work. This retreat was going to be part of that work.
The retreat was going to be Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. I had a massage scheduled for Tuesday morning, and after consulting with some healing arts practitioners, I learned that the body is particularly open to re-setting itself after a massage, so it was decided that I would come straight home after the massage and start the retreat then. I had been thinking of doing a silent retreat, but I honestly thought I might go crazy with that much silence, and since I really wanted to fast from all social interaction more than anything else, I decided I would still allow myself to watch TV, but would abstain from facebook, email, phone, and speaking. I also decided I would abstain from interaction of all kinds with people on the sidewalks or in my apartment complex while I was walking Olive.
Pre-Retreat- The night before the retreat was to begin, I created a tag to let people know I don't hate them, I'm just on a retreat and do not wish to interact with them.
Day one began with me checking all my electronic devices, and reminding everyone I'd be out of sight for a while (as if everyone was sitting around wondering about my existence). Then I went to my massage. Now, don't get jealous. It wasn't a relaxing massage. It was a therapeutic one, meaning the purpose of it was healing as opposed to relaxation. I'm still dealing with Plantar Fasciitis, or more accurately, I should say heel pain, because my chiropractor doesn't think my heel pain had much to do with my Plantar Fascia at all, but rather tightness in my calves and hamstrings. But, I digress. My point is, this massage was healing, but not relaxing. In fact, it was uncomfortable at times. But, I'm hopeful more massages like it will help me to be able to run again someday.
Anyway, I left the massage, got in the car, and immediately turned off the radio. Hmm. That's nice. Ok, here we go. Retreat time! No speaking. Silent. But it's still so loud all around me. So many sights and sounds downtown. Oh well. Soon I'll be home in my cocoon, and all will be quiet. Then, when I was nearly home, I took an impromptu turn to head to a labyrinth at a church. I had never walked a labyrinth before, and had intended to do so the day before, but circumstances conspired against me and I wasn't able to do it. In this moment, though, because I wasn't going home to my usual life, but to a life of silence and social interaction abstinence, I found that many new possibilities were open in my mind. Why not go now? So, I tried to find it using the directions a friend had given me, but there were 3 churches within the cross streets she had mentioned, and I kept getting out, looking for a labyrinth, feeling out of my element, and not finding what I was looking for. I got frustrated, and normally I would have been cursing up a storm at this point, but because I was trying not to speak, I had to simmer down. Not allowing myself to speak at that time actually made me calmer. So, I found the church and saw the labyrinth.
It was obviously a sacred place; the energy was unmistakable. I put my keys, shoes and sunglasses down outside the arbor at the labyrinth entrance. The sun was shining, I felt the breeze on my face. I took a few deep breaths, and entered. Tears began to flow, slowly, and as I spoke to my God, the tears gave way to calm. My breathing slowed, and I was able to see the beauty around me. The earth felt moist and alive under my tired, aching feet. Feelings of connectedness to the earth overwhelmed me, and I cried again. Then the tears stopped. I prayed for my friend whose mother was dying; and for another friend's grandparents. I gave deep thanks for all that I have been given in this life. I wondered, at times, how I would make it to the center of the labyrinth. How was it all laid out? Was it right? Was there a mistake? It seemed like I was too close to the center already... How does this thing work? How could I be sure the path would be right? I don't have to be sure. He was there with me, and all I had to do was trust that the path was laid out before me, and all I had to do was walk. One foot in front of the other. It all sounds so cliche as I write it here, but it was truly my experience.
Eventually, I found myself at the center, where I was unable to do anything but drop to my knees in front of the cement bench and cry and pray and cry and cry and pray some more. It was an emotional flood. A welcome one. After the flood, I turned to go back into the real world. I don't remember what was so funny, but I do remember there were 2 times that I found myself laughing in the labyrinth. Just enjoying my barefoot, earth-connection time; having a laugh with God. It was beautiful.
When I arrived home, I greeted Olive silently, which was weird. She didn't mind. She was actually more calm than usual since I wasn't projecting all that energy toward her. The grounding effects of this retreat were already happening, and made me want more...
I didn't keep a diary during this Social Interaction Fast, but here are some of the things that happened during the next 3 days:
-I restrained myself from telling Olive to stop barking when she barked at people going by the window. At first it was hard and unnatural, but it became easier, and I was relieved to not have to try to control her. And really, she didn't bark any longer when I was silent than she would have if I had corrected her. I feel like this lesson can be used in my work, too.
-I noticed that my unthinking habit of reaching for the computer to check facebook happened at specific times: for example, once, it was when someone on TV mentioned someone they were very close to. It was a microsecond, but since I didn't indulge, I noticed that it was a twinge of loneliness that drove that habit. That character had someone they were close to. I wanted to be assured I have someone I'm close to in my life too.
-And when I realized I didn't have to indulge in that habit, that I could just ignore it and keep doing whatever I had been doing before I had the urge, I felt a huge sense of relief.
-When I went online to create my Christmas cards, I found that I was able to do so in a relatively short amount of time. I was clear-headed, and able to make quick decisions instead of staring for hours at the computer screen, wondering if I should choose this one or that one, if I should go back and start over again, if I should get someone else's opinion.... There was none of that. Instead, I made decisions and moved on. It made the creative process much more enjoyable.
-My TV shows were more enjoyable. The TV rule was that I was only going to watch shows I really wanted to see, and not just have the TV on to pass the time. When I wanted to watch TV, I really watched TV. It was so nice to not be trying to play Words with Friends and watch TV at the same time, or be trying to check facebook and watch TV at the same time, only to have to go back and watch the scene I missed because I was so distracted.
-I cooked my Thanksgiving dinner with true thanks in my heart for all the blessings I have been given. I baked my mom's orange upsie-daisies cinnamon rolls for breakfast, and was able to be present, remembering those tastes from all the times my mom made them with love for us. And I enjoyed the process of cooking; creating something that didn't exist before. I cooked, and cooked. And cooked some more...
-I took a delightfully hot epsom salts bath, with decadent essential oil that I had specifically chosen for healing, not just physically, but healing emotional wounds, too.
-Walking the dog was strange. It was peaceful, but also anxiety-provoking because even though I was wearing my handy-dandy tag, I found myself trying to avoid people so there would be no weird moments where they started talking to me because they couldn't see the tag. Dog people are supremely friendly, so I found myself turning around and going the other way if I saw one coming towards us.
-I decorated my Christmas tree, being thankful for my family as I unwrapped each special ornament my parents have given me over the years, and the ones I purchased for myself during a most difficult time. I even found one that a student gave me my first year of teaching, that I had forgotten about. And during the process of decorating, I was so much more present and focused on all these memories and feelings than I would have otherwise been without the retreat.
-By the third day I was definitely wanting to share things with people I love. I wanted to tell them how things had gone. How helpful the massage was. How peaceful the labyrinth was. How wonderful the silence had been. How non-reactive I had become to Olive's barking and other noises. And I was ready to talk to Olive. I missed our interactions which were normally so boisterous. We were still joyful with each other, but the satisfaction I get from vocalizing with her is more significant than I realized.
And now, with this retreat a success, I am emboldened, and planning to do a 2-day truly silent retreat for Spring Break. And maybe a longer one in the summer. It's definitely an experience I highly recommend to everyone, no matter your place on your own spiritual path.
May your holidays --whatever you celebrate-- be filled with Peace, Love, and Joy. I know ours have been, and will continue to be for the coming months.
The retreat was going to be Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. I had a massage scheduled for Tuesday morning, and after consulting with some healing arts practitioners, I learned that the body is particularly open to re-setting itself after a massage, so it was decided that I would come straight home after the massage and start the retreat then. I had been thinking of doing a silent retreat, but I honestly thought I might go crazy with that much silence, and since I really wanted to fast from all social interaction more than anything else, I decided I would still allow myself to watch TV, but would abstain from facebook, email, phone, and speaking. I also decided I would abstain from interaction of all kinds with people on the sidewalks or in my apartment complex while I was walking Olive.
Pre-Retreat- The night before the retreat was to begin, I created a tag to let people know I don't hate them, I'm just on a retreat and do not wish to interact with them.Day one began with me checking all my electronic devices, and reminding everyone I'd be out of sight for a while (as if everyone was sitting around wondering about my existence). Then I went to my massage. Now, don't get jealous. It wasn't a relaxing massage. It was a therapeutic one, meaning the purpose of it was healing as opposed to relaxation. I'm still dealing with Plantar Fasciitis, or more accurately, I should say heel pain, because my chiropractor doesn't think my heel pain had much to do with my Plantar Fascia at all, but rather tightness in my calves and hamstrings. But, I digress. My point is, this massage was healing, but not relaxing. In fact, it was uncomfortable at times. But, I'm hopeful more massages like it will help me to be able to run again someday.
Anyway, I left the massage, got in the car, and immediately turned off the radio. Hmm. That's nice. Ok, here we go. Retreat time! No speaking. Silent. But it's still so loud all around me. So many sights and sounds downtown. Oh well. Soon I'll be home in my cocoon, and all will be quiet. Then, when I was nearly home, I took an impromptu turn to head to a labyrinth at a church. I had never walked a labyrinth before, and had intended to do so the day before, but circumstances conspired against me and I wasn't able to do it. In this moment, though, because I wasn't going home to my usual life, but to a life of silence and social interaction abstinence, I found that many new possibilities were open in my mind. Why not go now? So, I tried to find it using the directions a friend had given me, but there were 3 churches within the cross streets she had mentioned, and I kept getting out, looking for a labyrinth, feeling out of my element, and not finding what I was looking for. I got frustrated, and normally I would have been cursing up a storm at this point, but because I was trying not to speak, I had to simmer down. Not allowing myself to speak at that time actually made me calmer. So, I found the church and saw the labyrinth.
It was obviously a sacred place; the energy was unmistakable. I put my keys, shoes and sunglasses down outside the arbor at the labyrinth entrance. The sun was shining, I felt the breeze on my face. I took a few deep breaths, and entered. Tears began to flow, slowly, and as I spoke to my God, the tears gave way to calm. My breathing slowed, and I was able to see the beauty around me. The earth felt moist and alive under my tired, aching feet. Feelings of connectedness to the earth overwhelmed me, and I cried again. Then the tears stopped. I prayed for my friend whose mother was dying; and for another friend's grandparents. I gave deep thanks for all that I have been given in this life. I wondered, at times, how I would make it to the center of the labyrinth. How was it all laid out? Was it right? Was there a mistake? It seemed like I was too close to the center already... How does this thing work? How could I be sure the path would be right? I don't have to be sure. He was there with me, and all I had to do was trust that the path was laid out before me, and all I had to do was walk. One foot in front of the other. It all sounds so cliche as I write it here, but it was truly my experience.
Eventually, I found myself at the center, where I was unable to do anything but drop to my knees in front of the cement bench and cry and pray and cry and cry and pray some more. It was an emotional flood. A welcome one. After the flood, I turned to go back into the real world. I don't remember what was so funny, but I do remember there were 2 times that I found myself laughing in the labyrinth. Just enjoying my barefoot, earth-connection time; having a laugh with God. It was beautiful.
When I arrived home, I greeted Olive silently, which was weird. She didn't mind. She was actually more calm than usual since I wasn't projecting all that energy toward her. The grounding effects of this retreat were already happening, and made me want more...
I didn't keep a diary during this Social Interaction Fast, but here are some of the things that happened during the next 3 days:
-I restrained myself from telling Olive to stop barking when she barked at people going by the window. At first it was hard and unnatural, but it became easier, and I was relieved to not have to try to control her. And really, she didn't bark any longer when I was silent than she would have if I had corrected her. I feel like this lesson can be used in my work, too.
-I noticed that my unthinking habit of reaching for the computer to check facebook happened at specific times: for example, once, it was when someone on TV mentioned someone they were very close to. It was a microsecond, but since I didn't indulge, I noticed that it was a twinge of loneliness that drove that habit. That character had someone they were close to. I wanted to be assured I have someone I'm close to in my life too.
-And when I realized I didn't have to indulge in that habit, that I could just ignore it and keep doing whatever I had been doing before I had the urge, I felt a huge sense of relief.
-When I went online to create my Christmas cards, I found that I was able to do so in a relatively short amount of time. I was clear-headed, and able to make quick decisions instead of staring for hours at the computer screen, wondering if I should choose this one or that one, if I should go back and start over again, if I should get someone else's opinion.... There was none of that. Instead, I made decisions and moved on. It made the creative process much more enjoyable.
-My TV shows were more enjoyable. The TV rule was that I was only going to watch shows I really wanted to see, and not just have the TV on to pass the time. When I wanted to watch TV, I really watched TV. It was so nice to not be trying to play Words with Friends and watch TV at the same time, or be trying to check facebook and watch TV at the same time, only to have to go back and watch the scene I missed because I was so distracted.
-I cooked my Thanksgiving dinner with true thanks in my heart for all the blessings I have been given. I baked my mom's orange upsie-daisies cinnamon rolls for breakfast, and was able to be present, remembering those tastes from all the times my mom made them with love for us. And I enjoyed the process of cooking; creating something that didn't exist before. I cooked, and cooked. And cooked some more...-I took a delightfully hot epsom salts bath, with decadent essential oil that I had specifically chosen for healing, not just physically, but healing emotional wounds, too.
-Walking the dog was strange. It was peaceful, but also anxiety-provoking because even though I was wearing my handy-dandy tag, I found myself trying to avoid people so there would be no weird moments where they started talking to me because they couldn't see the tag. Dog people are supremely friendly, so I found myself turning around and going the other way if I saw one coming towards us.
-I decorated my Christmas tree, being thankful for my family as I unwrapped each special ornament my parents have given me over the years, and the ones I purchased for myself during a most difficult time. I even found one that a student gave me my first year of teaching, that I had forgotten about. And during the process of decorating, I was so much more present and focused on all these memories and feelings than I would have otherwise been without the retreat.
-By the third day I was definitely wanting to share things with people I love. I wanted to tell them how things had gone. How helpful the massage was. How peaceful the labyrinth was. How wonderful the silence had been. How non-reactive I had become to Olive's barking and other noises. And I was ready to talk to Olive. I missed our interactions which were normally so boisterous. We were still joyful with each other, but the satisfaction I get from vocalizing with her is more significant than I realized.And now, with this retreat a success, I am emboldened, and planning to do a 2-day truly silent retreat for Spring Break. And maybe a longer one in the summer. It's definitely an experience I highly recommend to everyone, no matter your place on your own spiritual path.
May your holidays --whatever you celebrate-- be filled with Peace, Love, and Joy. I know ours have been, and will continue to be for the coming months.
sounds like a success....good for you. Bet it was a big accomplishment
ReplyDeleteBenny & Lily
That sounds really interesting. I don't know if I could do it, but it was sure fun to read about.
ReplyDeleteThe radio, though. I have a really long drive and sometimes I love to turn the radio off and just be me on that commute home from a long day. It helps me switch gears and get ready for my regular, non-work life.
This is so incredible, what an amazing experience! I'm glad to hear how powerful it was for you, it seems like you really needed that in your life and I'm so glad to hear it.
ReplyDeleteThanks for including us in your journey :)
-Lisa