Saturday, November 17, 2012

How to Murder Someone (and get away with it)

If you want to murder someone and get away with it, try boredom as your weapon of choice.  I recently had a day that made me think this could work.  Below you'll find a handy guide for this process.

1. Get your victim to willingly run about 2 miles at their 5k pace at 7am one morning, even if that pace is currently only 15:00.  Be sure it's about 40 degrees when they complete said run.

2.  Somehow --and this won't be too difficult-- get them to fantasize about a garlic bagel with salmon cream cheese as their post-run breakfast.

3. Make them leave before they get to stretch with their running buddies, since that's probably their favorite part.

4. Do not allow them to take a shower, or change their sports bra to a less supportive, more comfortable, regular bra.  Also do not allow them to change any of their sweaty clothes, or to remove their hat all day since their hair looks like crap under there.

5.  Make them rush to their next destination --defensive driving class-- in heavy traffic, worrying constantly about getting ANOTHER speeding ticket on the way to a defensive driving class.

6.  Let them stop at Einstein Brothers' Bagels, only to find a line of about 10 people, and then make them leave because said line will make them late.

7.  Make them rush to a 6-hour (!) defensive driving course which has comedy in the name, but then --and this is kinda funny, which I think makes it also ironic on several levels-- isn't very funny at all.

8.  Make sure the defensive driving course has lots of boring facts, and lots of videos from the 90s, which are played at an extremely high, almost deafening volume.
9.  And this one's the most important one to follow if you don't want your plan to fail: Don't include a video from the 80s (?) with a section on mile markers as a reference for when you have to call for help on the highway.  If you play a video like that, a lady may actually use a CB radio in said video, and also use the words, "Breaker breaker..." when she makes that call for help.  If you do include something like this, the person you are trying to kill with boredom will probably laugh so hard they will not die at all, but instead stay just alive enough to experience the day as torturous instead of murderous.  Seriously.  Don't include that video.  It will ruin your whole plan.
10.  Also, don't misspell "curriculum" on a slide in the class.  That might keep them entertained and giggling for at least 10 minutes of every hour after they spot the mistake.

11.  Oh, and finally, you probably want to make sure they don't accidentally kinda hit a curb in the parking lot of the comedy club on their way out, because they will probably laugh really hard at themselves and at the irony there, too, again, keeping them painfully alive just below the threshhold of boredom which would kill them.


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