Give Me Paws

A Rapist, a Cobb Salad, and a Weird Bunion Thingie

2012-01-06T20:34:00.000-06:00

There's a crazy rapist-murderer loose in my neighborhood (seems to happen every 5-8 years or so) and everyone's kinda on edge about it and a neighbor who lives right around the corner asked me if I wanted to walk my dog with her and her dog. Of course I said, "Sure!" (I don't see what could possibly go wrong.)

Now, understand that my neighbor is a very fit size 2, an avid swimmer, and a yoga practitioner. I, on the other hand, am an overweight, injured runner who has done a yoga or a balance ball video no more than twice a week for the past 3 weeks, and who swam occasionally in the summer. I have also walked my dog probably 6 times every evening, to the park and back, right around another corner. Did I say walked? I think I meant meandered.... Anyway, my very fit walking companion and her very trim lab met us at the park. When I say us, I mean myself and my short, squatty, slightly overweight Frenchie who looks kinda like the animal you would get if Wilbur from the Charlotte's Web movie had a baby with a sausage. The four of us were like 2 frames from those videos where they show the split screens of people who look like their dogs. Even so, she's so calm and easy-going that I was quite at ease.

The first awkward moment came when we walked through a parking lot and came to an iron fence with spikes all the way around at about waist level. At one point, the fence gave way to a small hip-high chain which replaced the iron, for only about 6-8 inches, and then the waist-high-spikey iron continued on again. I could tell she would easily have turned sideways and stepped over the chain --had I not been there-- like a graceful deer stepping over a felled tree in the forest. I, on the other hand, nervously laughed, saying something like, "I'm not sure if I can fit through there..." No problem. She happily walked around to the end of the fence, and Olive and I followed. She didn't break stride.

Past the fence and now on the neighborhood street, she and her dog were galloping, or trotting along... I'm not sure which because Olive and I usually reside in stroll-ville. But, we're hanging with them, starting to breathe a little harder now, but still able to carry on a conversation, which, frankly, I am enjoying. We make it to a wonderful grassy field not far from my home, that I wasn't aware existed, where apparently lots of people walk their dogs. It's safe, a little woodsy, and away from traffic. I usually am terrified of letting Olive off-leash, but her dog is good about staying near her with the ball, and I do know Olive will stay with a pack, so I take her off the leash and she waddles around near the skinny lab-girl, both as happy as can be to run and pant, and chase things.

Finally, after what seemed like only a few short minutes, with tongues hanging as low as the sun in the sky, the dogs were ready to head home, and we were too; lest we forget there's a crazy rapist-murderer on the loose. We moved at a pretty quick clip back, and I, having caught my breath while the dogs played, was still feeling pretty good, my pesky plantar fasciitis not bothering me much at all. We make it to my place, and they continue on, happily trotting away around the corner. At last, in the safety of my tiny little 400-square-foot castle, I pour myself some water, and Olive collapses on the floor, trying to stop panting long enough to take a gulp of her own.

After a few minutes I felt hungry again. I mean, before getting her invitation to walk I had been to the library directly after school, and then to our healthy grocery store here in town. My blood sugar was so low at the store it was hard for me to decide what my Friday night dinner splurge would be. I finally decided on a cobb salad, which was now waiting patiently for me in my fridge. (Yeah, I know it may not be a splurge to some because the word "salad" is in the name. But c'mon. Eggs, bacon, avocado, bleu cheese, and home made ranch dressing? And this one had olives too. Mmmm. Splurge.)

Oh, and after I ate, sitting on the couch playing Words with Friends, with my feet curled up beside me, I squished my toes together with my hand, and this weird bone near my pinky toe that's been sticking out and making me think I could have a bunion popped right back into place. Yesssss! Now that's what I call a Friday night!

So, how's your Friday night?

One Day at a Time or Get Yer Tampons Outta My Truck!

2011-12-12T18:39:00.000-06:00

Ok, so I've jumped in with 2 feet to helping out my immediate community by serving on my Homeowners' Association Board of Directors. It's been non-stop entertainment and work since I started.

Today I came home and found the following notice above the mailboxes.

Can I just say that I love that he mentions he's a man and has no use for tampons? So, if you were a woman, you'd enjoy having those thrown into your truck because you could use them? Also, kinda funny that he "can deal with" the fast food trash. So the tampons are so offensive to his delicate sensibilities that they make him wish he had fast food trash in his truck? And why are these presumably-unopened, new tampons more annoying than the strawberry yogurt?! And is strawberry yogurt more annoying than blueberry would have been? Or pineapple? Would you seriously rather clean up strawberry yogurt than new tampons? I bet he's a real tolerant boyfriend.

Then I did some yoga. After that, I found a message that there are hot water problems in several units. So, of course, I find myself traipsing around, knocking on doors, stepping inside people's units, looking at faucets, and asking about hot water problems. I'm starting to feel like Schneider up in here. Now where IS that pack of cigarettes? Oh, of course. Right here rolled up in my sleeve.

Calm your balls, Bitch!

2011-11-30T17:09:00.001-06:00

It's a strong message to someone. About... something. But to whom? And... what?

In the laundry room, there are 2 washers and 2 dryers. Nothing is amiss, unless you count the blood red spots on the bulletin board, and the dry, fall leaves that blow in from the outdoor stairwell when the doors don't get closed. Oh, and that message that reads, "Calm your balls, Bitch!" and appears to have been scrawled in angry thumbtack font.

Was someone mad because someone else took their clothes out of the dryer and lovingly placed them on the table? If so, that person should really think about leaving a laundry basket below the dryer in which their clothes tumbled.

Was someone pissed about the powder detergent that was left clogging one of the appropriate cups in the washer? You know, liquid really does work better, but I'm pretty sure there's a more refined way to express your dissatisfaction with the powdery mess.

Oooo, maybe it's a message to the dryer itself because it stole a sock or 3, instead of leaving the pairs intact!

Unfortunately, the angry laundry message shall remain a mystery. For now. Until more clues are revealed. But rest assured, this Homeowners Association President will continue to search for clues, to unravel the mystery. Until then, though, she'll just do her best to allay her fears of perishing in a tragic, all-too-common, dryer-sheet fire.

Abstinence is the best prevention... of insanity.

2011-11-26T19:13:00.001-06:00

Recently, I did a self-guided retreat in my home. I always love when I get the chance to have Thanksgiving on my own, and this was one of those years. I had considered doing a silent retreat, but was too intimidated to do that, so I instead ended up doing a Social Interaction Fast/Heart Chakra Retreat. That wasn't already a thing before me, it's a name I made up for the retreat that I wanted to have. The point of it was to protect my heart chakra --which tends to be too open-- and allow for some real downtime. My heart chakra tends to be very open, and I tend to be highly sensitive, which is a combination that allows my soul to be bombarded with other people's energy on a daily basis. Being more intentional about how open my heart chakra is, and creating better boundaries in my life are things that take steady, deliberate work. This retreat was going to be part of that work.

The retreat was going to be Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. I had a massage scheduled for Tuesday morning, and after consulting with some healing arts practitioners, I learned that the body is particularly open to re-setting itself after a massage, so it was decided that I would come straight home after the massage and start the retreat then. I had been thinking of doing a silent retreat, but I honestly thought I might go crazy with that much silence, and since I really wanted to fast from all social interaction more than anything else, I decided I would still allow myself to watch TV, but would abstain from facebook, email, phone, and speaking. I also decided I would abstain from interaction of all kinds with people on the sidewalks or in my apartment complex while I was walking Olive.

Pre-Retreat- The night before the retreat was to begin, I created a tag to let people know I don't hate them, I'm just on a retreat and do not wish to interact with them.

Day one began with me checking all my electronic devices, and reminding everyone I'd be out of sight for a while (as if everyone was sitting around wondering about my existence). Then I went to my massage. Now, don't get jealous. It wasn't a relaxing massage. It was a therapeutic one, meaning the purpose of it was healing as opposed to relaxation. I'm still dealing with Plantar Fasciitis, or more accurately, I should say heel pain, because my chiropractor doesn't think my heel pain had much to do with my Plantar Fascia at all, but rather tightness in my calves and hamstrings. But, I digress. My point is, this massage was healing, but not relaxing. In fact, it was uncomfortable at times. But, I'm hopeful more massages like it will help me to be able to run again someday.

Anyway, I left the massage, got in the car, and immediately turned off the radio. Hmm. That's nice. Ok, here we go. Retreat time! No speaking. Silent. But it's still so loud all around me. So many sights and sounds downtown. Oh well. Soon I'll be home in my cocoon, and all will be quiet. Then, when I was nearly home, I took an impromptu turn to head to a labyrinth at a church. I had never walked a labyrinth before, and had intended to do so the day before, but circumstances conspired against me and I wasn't able to do it. In this moment, though, because I wasn't going home to my usual life, but to a life of silence and social interaction abstinence, I found that many new possibilities were open in my mind. Why not go now? So, I tried to find it using the directions a friend had given me, but there were 3 churches within the cross streets she had mentioned, and I kept getting out, looking for a labyrinth, feeling out of my element, and not finding what I was looking for. I got frustrated, and normally I would have been cursing up a storm at this point, but because I was trying not to speak, I had to simmer down. Not allowing myself to speak at that time actually made me calmer. So, I found the church and saw the labyrinth.

It was obviously a sacred place; the energy was unmistakable. I put my keys, shoes and sunglasses down outside the arbor at the labyrinth entrance. The sun was shining, I felt the breeze on my face. I took a few deep breaths, and entered. Tears began to flow, slowly, and as I spoke to my God, the tears gave way to calm. My breathing slowed, and I was able to see the beauty around me. The earth felt moist and alive under my tired, aching feet. Feelings of connectedness to the earth overwhelmed me, and I cried again. Then the tears stopped. I prayed for my friend whose mother was dying; and for another friend's grandparents. I gave deep thanks for all that I have been given in this life. I wondered, at times, how I would make it to the center of the labyrinth. How was it all laid out? Was it right? Was there a mistake? It seemed like I was too close to the center already... How does this thing work? How could I be sure the path would be right? I don't have to be sure. He was there with me, and all I had to do was trust that the path was laid out before me, and all I had to do was walk. One foot in front of the other. It all sounds so cliche as I write it here, but it was truly my experience.

Eventually, I found myself at the center, where I was unable to do anything but drop to my knees in front of the cement bench and cry and pray and cry and cry and pray some more. It was an emotional flood. A welcome one. After the flood, I turned to go back into the real world. I don't remember what was so funny, but I do remember there were 2 times that I found myself laughing in the labyrinth. Just enjoying my barefoot, earth-connection time; having a laugh with God. It was beautiful.

When I arrived home, I greeted Olive silently, which was weird. She didn't mind. She was actually more calm than usual since I wasn't projecting all that energy toward her. The grounding effects of this retreat were already happening, and made me want more...

I didn't keep a diary during this Social Interaction Fast, but here are some of the things that happened during the next 3 days:
-I restrained myself from telling Olive to stop barking when she barked at people going by the window. At first it was hard and unnatural, but it became easier, and I was relieved to not have to try to control her. And really, she didn't bark any longer when I was silent than she would have if I had corrected her. I feel like this lesson can be used in my work, too.

-I noticed that my unthinking habit of reaching for the computer to check facebook happened at specific times: for example, once, it was when someone on TV mentioned someone they were very close to. It was a microsecond, but since I didn't indulge, I noticed that it was a twinge of loneliness that drove that habit. That character had someone they were close to. I wanted to be assured I have someone I'm close to in my life too.

-And when I realized I didn't have to indulge in that habit, that I could just ignore it and keep doing whatever I had been doing before I had the urge, I felt a huge sense of relief.

-When I went online to create my Christmas cards, I found that I was able to do so in a relatively short amount of time. I was clear-headed, and able to make quick decisions instead of staring for hours at the computer screen, wondering if I should choose this one or that one, if I should go back and start over again, if I should get someone else's opinion.... There was none of that. Instead, I made decisions and moved on. It made the creative process much more enjoyable.

-My TV shows were more enjoyable. The TV rule was that I was only going to watch shows I really wanted to see, and not just have the TV on to pass the time. When I wanted to watch TV, I really watched TV. It was so nice to not be trying to play Words with Friends and watch TV at the same time, or be trying to check facebook and watch TV at the same time, only to have to go back and watch the scene I missed because I was so distracted.

-I cooked my Thanksgiving dinner with true thanks in my heart for all the blessings I have been given. I baked my mom's orange upsie-daisies cinnamon rolls for breakfast, and was able to be present, remembering those tastes from all the times my mom made them with love for us. And I enjoyed the process of cooking; creating something that didn't exist before. I cooked, and cooked. And cooked some more...
-I took a delightfully hot epsom salts bath, with decadent essential oil that I had specifically chosen for healing, not just physically, but healing emotional wounds, too.

-Walking the dog was strange. It was peaceful, but also anxiety-provoking because even though I was wearing my handy-dandy tag, I found myself trying to avoid people so there would be no weird moments where they started talking to me because they couldn't see the tag. Dog people are supremely friendly, so I found myself turning around and going the other way if I saw one coming towards us.

-I decorated my Christmas tree, being thankful for my family as I unwrapped each special ornament my parents have given me over the years, and the ones I purchased for myself during a most difficult time. I even found one that a student gave me my first year of teaching, that I had forgotten about. And during the process of decorating, I was so much more present and focused on all these memories and feelings than I would have otherwise been without the retreat.

-By the third day I was definitely wanting to share things with people I love. I wanted to tell them how things had gone. How helpful the massage was. How peaceful the labyrinth was. How wonderful the silence had been. How non-reactive I had become to Olive's barking and other noises. And I was ready to talk to Olive. I missed our interactions which were normally so boisterous. We were still joyful with each other, but the satisfaction I get from vocalizing with her is more significant than I realized.

And now, with this retreat a success, I am emboldened, and planning to do a 2-day truly silent retreat for Spring Break. And maybe a longer one in the summer. It's definitely an experience I highly recommend to everyone, no matter your place on your own spiritual path.

May your holidays --whatever you celebrate-- be filled with Peace, Love, and Joy. I know ours have been, and will continue to be for the coming months.

The Cure for the Crappy Romantic Comedy

2011-10-16T20:54:00.000-05:00

I just watched a movie that made me want to be in love. I should tell you that I hate romantic comedies. Hate them. They make me feel resentful of the characters; everything goes so easily for them, and it's all so absurdly unbelievable. They make me feel angry that I haven't met a man worthy of my love. But I just watched a movie that made me feel like love is the most beautiful thing in the world. Like the world is full of love, and like it's all unfolding as it should. The movie is Away We Go.

Her: What are we gonna do?
Him: How do you mean?
Her: No one's in love like us, right? It's so weird. What are we gonna do?
Him: [shrugs] I think we just gotta... ride it out.
[hug]

I laughed out loud more than once, and laughing out loud when I'm alone with Olive is kind of a rare thing. And maybe it's PMS or something, but there were several times when I found myself in tears. Like, full-on, get-the-tissues tears. But it wasn't overly sentimental or sappy. Overall, the movie was like taking a leisurely stroll with a friend you don't want to stop talking to. Perhaps this was meant to echo the physical pace of the protagonist, who is 6 months into a pregnancy as she navigates the choppy waters of her life. It definitely wasn't a fast-moving film, but it wasn't too slow either, and the pace allowed me to take in all the beautiful cinematography the crew worked hard to create, and the little micro-expressions that great actors so effortlessly craft. There were so many of those little moments between people, the ones that make a movie feel like real life instead of a movie, so many great actors giving top quality performances, that I couldn't help but be sucked in. The soundtrack struck a perfect chord, too, subtly standing behind and supporting the story.

This isn't the most exciting movie you'll ever see, but I wholeheartedly recommend it. It's a love story. But not a crappy one. And these days, that's almost as hard to find as a good man.

Mascara? Do you know what time it is?!?!!?

2011-10-15T22:29:00.000-05:00

A few things I've learned since Thursday night:

1) Altruism isn't the best reason to get an elderly lady some cornmeal. The best reason may be the surprise baked goods you get as a thank-you.

2) It only takes about 2 and a half hours to stuff 34 envelopes, if the envelopes contain ballots with recipients' names on them and additional pre-addressed, stamped envelopes inside. Oh, and being on the Board of Directors for your HOA is a thankless job.

3) It's a bit of a challenge to buy mascara at a non-$150-balsamic-vinegar grocery store after 8:30 p.m. on a Saturday.

4) I still have the cutest dog ever.

*The above post was inspired by the events of my day, and today's post on this blog.

Never Underestimate the Power of the Sharpie

2011-10-13T19:04:00.000-05:00

I'm forgetful. Reeeaally forgetful. So forgetful that I frequently go to the grocery store for just 2 things, and I come back with neither of them. So forgetful that when my closest friend complains to me that her husband forgot the one thing he said he'd get for her when he went to the store, and it doesn't really seem possible to her that someone could do that unless it was on purpose, I have to break it to her that umm, well,... actually,... in his defense, I can totally see how he'd do that. I forget stuff like that all the time. All. The. Time. One example of said forgetfulness follows. And after that, another possible example of a future forgetful episode, which you may be able to help me prevent.

The small local pet store where I buy Olive's food is closed on Sundays. Yeah, and those Christians at Hobby Lobby too. It sounds cute unless you live in the Bible Belt and have a crafting emergency. Which, as a teacher, I must say, has happened to me more than once. Then it's just annoying.

Anyway, last week, around the beginning of the week, I knew I needed to stop and get Olive some more food one day after work. I hadn't finished parent conferences yet, so every day, I'd have a couple meetings after work, and by the time I got in the car, my blood sugar would be so low that I'd just be on auto-pilot with the singular mission of getting home to the Ikea loveseat as soon as possible. Then suddently it was Friday and I thought to myself, "Self, do NOT forget to get her food after work today!" Of course, you know it, I forgot. So then my only mission in life became to not forget to buy her food on Saturday because I was going to use the last of it for Saturday dinner, and the last thing I wanted to do was pay twice as much for half as much food at the grocery store where they have bottles of balsamic vinegar that cost $150. Of course, what happened? Saturday found me laser-focused on doing laundry, dishes, and getting a couple things at Target, where of course, they do not have her food. So I get home, I'm relaxing ~~with my favorite trashy reality TV~~ around 5pm, when it hits me. Crap. I forgot to get her food and the store is closed already for today, and on Sunday! Annoying! I did consider using some of my chicken breast and rice for her, but I decided against it. So Sunday morning, I had to make a special trip to the $150-balsamic-vinegar store and buy a bag that is literally half as big as what I usually get, for much more than it would have been at the pet store, and much more per ounce than the big bag would be. So, whatever. No big deal, but as I mentioned. This story was only meant to illustrate my extreme tendency toward forgetfulness.

So you can imagine how a felt about an hour ago when my elderly neighbor hobbled with her cane to my door and asked if I could do her a favor and pick her up a bag of cornmeal on my way home from work tomorrow. She dropped a box on her foot, and it's swollen and she needs to stay off it, and do I ever pass any grocery stores on the way home from work? She hands me $5 and asks me to get her cornmeal. Of course! I say, happy to be of service. Should I go now? I ask, perfectly willing to be a hero. OH, NO! That's not necessary! she insists. Ok. Walking the fine line between being helpful vs. patronizing now... Well, I'll get some tomorrow and bring it by when I get home. Is there any special grind, like fine or coarse, that I should look for? I wonder. I think the last time I bought cornmeal we may have had a white president... Oh, no, just cornmeal, she says. Ok. I ask if she needs anything else. Is she icing it, does she need any advil, because I have some, (the plantar fasciitis has me stocking up on that stuff!), etc. etc... and then she hobbles back home after assuring me she just needs cornmeal. Tomorrow. After I get done with work.

I close the door. Of course it's no problem. Except HOW ON EARTH WILL I REMEMBER CORNMEAL after work tomorrow??!

Of course, I'm open to other suggestions.

A Back to the Future Style FabuLetter

2011-10-08T12:49:00.000-05:00

Dear Self from 3 Weeks Ago,

Hey, great job on the Bento Box project! I can't believe you're still taking those things to work every day. Good for you! It's ok to take a frozen Freshcetta Pizza Slice to work today and leave the Bento Box at home (heads' up: that Vegetable Medley flavor is delish!). And great idea on taking a clementine to go with it. One suggestion, though? Please don't put the clementine in your purse. You don't know this now, but today you'll only have 15 minutes for lunch because your colleague will be late getting her kids to the lunch line again, and you won't have time to heat up a frozen pizza slice and peel and eat a clementine for lunch (I mean, who do you think you are? One of those fancy Corporate Americans who gets more than 25 minutes for lunch? Puh-leeze, Girl!), so of course you'll choose the pizza slice. So then the clementine will still be in your purse after school when you walk in the condo and find Olive threatening to pee all over the carpet if you don't take her out right now, and when you have to dig around in your purse later to find your receipt for those extra caulking supplies you want to take back to Home Depot, the clementine'll fall to the bottom. You'll never think about it again until the morning of October 8, when you're eating breakfast tacos with a friend and you're trying to find a clip for your hair and you're fishing around in the bottom of your purse for a clip or a rubber band or, dear god, anything to hold all this flying hair out of your face because you can never find anything in that giant purse and you really need to downsize to a smaller one, and you pull out that clementine that's now all black and orange and kinda looks like a really teeny tiny shriveled little halloween pumpkin waiting to be carved into a Jack-o-Lantern, and your urge will be to put it away and pretend it's not in there, but this is the kind of friend who would never judge you for something like this so instead you show her, you both laugh, and you think to yourself simultaneously, "Ewww. I'm gross. This is so embarrassing!" and, "Sweet! Finally something to write about in the blog!" Eewww.

So, seriously. Take the clementine to school with you, but find another place for it to ride instead of in your purse ok? Trust me. Oh, and please put a couple extra hair thingies in there now, while you're thinking about it and when you don't need them. You're welcome.

Sincerely,
The FabuLeslie of Today

Better get to caulkin'! And I don't mean McCauley...

2011-10-03T17:05:00.001-05:00

Dear Facebook,
Thank you for changing your format. I hate it so much that I have been able to spend less time at the computer, and more time doing productive things, like re-caulking my tub...

Before

After

I know. Pretty badass, right? So, it's not perfect and beautiful, but it's definitely worth the $100 I saved by not paying someone to do it for me. Who cares that I ended up spending half the week's grocery budget on supplies. I have ramen noodles in the pantry and leftovers in the freezer. I'll be fine. Plus, it's no big deal that my hamstrings and hands were killing me after I scraped all the old adhesive off the tub, because I was able to soak in epsom salts in my "new" tub, which felt great.

So, thanks again, FB. There'll be a lot more going on around here since before you came into my life, and it's all because of your new, intolerable format. Well done.

Start with 3 sticks of butter...

2011-09-05T10:21:00.000-05:00

Dear Pioneer Woman,

I'm enjoying your new show on the Food Network ~~kinda~~. I think Sarah Betsy, the make-up maven behind Botox is the New Black, is your biggest fan; it was nearly impossible to talk to her and NOT watch your show. So, I watched 2 episodes, and I have some feedback for you if you'd like to hear it. Well, I guess I have feedback whether or not you'd like to hear it, so here goes.

Listen, I get that you're the new Paula Deen or whatever. That your recipes use way too much butter and almost no fruits and veggies, and you really like it that way. And if I'm in the market for a cinnamon roll recipe, or a recipe to make for the sole purpose of pissing off my doctors, then yes, I'm coming to you. The problem is, though, I watch Food Network for the cooking. I could really do with a little more cooking on the show and a lot less ropin' and corralin' and slingin' things around. Fewer cows and horses. See, I'm a city girl who just wants simple, delicious recipes, and I know you got the goods, Ree. I see the way you add a little brown sugar to your vinaigrette, the way you add eggs to your mac 'n' cheese. I want to know more about these techniques, but I have a dog who gets easily ticked off by a TV with lots of moving mammals on it, so frankly, your show is hard to watch in my house the way it is now.

I'm thinking maybe the producers are just trying to justify all the butter you use by showing us how early in the morning your family gets up and starts work on your farm. Maybe they're trying to say to your viewing audience, "Warning: don't try these recipes at home unless you work from sun-up to sun-down in a very physically demanding way that involves chaps and way too much manure." I get it. They need to protect themselves from the criticism of people who say we Americans are an obese people, due in no small part to the kind of cooking you love to do. Hey, at least you're using whole foods that came from the ground or had parents. Maybe now you just need a second show. On Animal Planet.

Sincerely,
FabuLeslie

Facebook status updates that suck.

2011-09-03T17:54:00.000-05:00

And now, a list of facebook status updates that are too mundane or embarrassing to actually post. Don't think of it as facebook's sloppy seconds. Think of it as stuff I can trust you, my blog readers with, but not my facebook 'friends.' After all, I have to look them in the eye on the next weekday. Not y'all. Nope. I get to stay embarrassingly sedentary and unkempt every time we interact. So go ahead, judge away.

1) I have a zit near my eyebrow and it is so big I can actually see it in my peripheral vision. I'm not kidding. I think it's throwing off my depth perception.

2) Where are all the Morningstar Farms Veggie Corn Dogs and Mom's Best Naturals sugary cereals, like Honey Grahams and Mallow Oats? Because I looked at 3 stores and cannot find a single box of any of those!

3) When I am grocery shopping, and I hear a 20-year-old, size 0 sorority girl say, "Oooo! Bananas!" Like they're the most delicious and sinful thing she's seen on the planet to date, I kinda wanna tie her down and force feed her chocolate chip cookies.

4) I kinda resent people sometimes. Especially late people. Who work with me and never come to a meeting less than 20 minutes late.

5) Can too much Vitamin A give you diarrhea? I'm not asking for any particular reason. Just curious.

6) I agreed to write a book review but I'm terrified it's going to be awful and I'm not going to want to finish it.

7) Confession: The only Groupons I even look at are for frozen yogurt and laser hair removal.

Affair with a married man? Sure! Kissing contest? Well, I NEVER!

2011-08-30T20:52:00.000-05:00

1) Ok, first of all, all I have in me lately for posts is my Bento Box. Karen, of A Peek at Karen's World has been doing the Bento Box, too. I'm so glad I'm not the only one who is loving this Bento stuff! Maybe it's just a phase, but I can't help myself. Speaking of phases, you must check out this funny and insightful new blog, Phasetastic. Like me, among other things, the author has had some crazy online dating adventures... Check her out. And tell her Fabuleslie sent you.

2) I know I'm pretending I'm not watching Bachelor Pad, but who are we kidding? I totally am, even though it's ridiculous. And may I just have a word with most of you who are also pretending not to watch it, but who really are watching it too? Ok, I think it's one of the funniest things that Michelle is on Bachelor Pad, and admits to having an affair with a married man, but she draws the line at doing a kissing contest. She chose not to participate in this particular challenge because, you know, she has a daughter at home for whom she needs to be a good example. Ha! Love me some Michelle Money.

3) Bento #6

Top and Bottom left: tuna sandwich (with chives, celery, relish, eggs, mayo, and mustard).
Top right: carrots
Bottom right: celery and peanut butter

Never underestimate the power of the Bento..

2011-08-25T20:39:00.000-05:00

After 9 days of packing a bento box for lunch, resisting the urge to go out to eat with coworkers, hand washing each tiny little box, and one tiny little dressing lid, I was about to declare a new weekly holiday called Bento-Free-Fridays. I could pack my lunch, but I could do it in ziploc bags... Oh, the lazy, non-green Heaven of 3-5 ziploc bags for a packed lunch, while the bento box and all its fillings lay haphazardly in a sinkful of sudsy water that I'd get to later--when it was finally my weekend. But then, I started thinking about the delicious salad I had planned --inspired by Wendy's Apple Pecan Chicken Salad-- and I pictured it in those ziploc bags, all plain and boring. And then I pictured it in the bento box, neatly packed so nice and small in all the colors bursting around the edges of the food... And I didn't want to miss the art I could make with the healthy nurturing food I was going to provide for myself. Suddenly, I found myself washing and scrubbing each tiny little crevasse of the silverware section, the 1-tablespoon box that I can barely fit my finger into, even the teeny little lid that's impossible to clean. It felt meditative standing there, sudsing them all for the good of my body and the earth. Never mind that I was probably using too much water, letting it wash away the emotional toxins of the day as much as the literal ones on the containers. Who's to say this is really any better than ziploc bags? Oh well. At least it feels better. And look at me. Now I've washed my dinner dishes too. Ahh, yet another power of the Bento.

Bento #5

Top Left: Green leaf lettuce and herbed goat cheese.
Top Right: Leftover chicken breast.
Bottom Right: Dried cranberries and walnuts with Marie's Raspberry Vinaigrette (I love this dressing).
Bottom Left: Green leaf lettuce.

P.S. A friend asked me how big the bento box is, so here are some shots for reference, near a coaster and Olive, open and closed....

Steak and Potatoes. But better.

2011-08-22T16:35:00.000-05:00

It's 4:00 P.M. and I just had dinner. Or should I say linner? Or dunch. Like in that bit on Seinfeld. I'm trying to move things up and do them early because the first day of school is tomorrow, and I have to get up in the middle of the night. Ok, not really. It'll be morning, but, like, 5:00 in the morning which is only about 12 hours from now, and that might as well be the middle of the night to my body because I've been sleeping in past 7:00 A.M. for at least a month now. Anyway, I made this meal that I found in Food Network Magazine (July/August 2010) in the "Weeknight Cooking" section, page 106, to be exact. It was a steak, grilled onions, and spinach salad, with a side of potatoes dressed with home made ranch dressing. Mmmm.

In a related story, my smoke detector is not working. The amount of smoke in this 400-square-foot condo was toxic from using the grill pan on high heat. I had to open the door even though it was 104 degrees outside, so Olive didn't asphyxiate. The smoke detector still did not start beeping, so I'm pretty sure a 4-alarm blaze wouldn't wake it up either. Note to self: buy batteries. And a ladder.

Bento #4

Top Left: Steak, grilled onions, and spinach salad, dressed with steak sauce.
Top Right: Herbed goat cheese and whole wheat Kashi Pita Crackers (and a few crackers are with the silverware, too).
Bottom Right: Potatoes with home made ranch.
Bottom Left: Cherries and grapes.
OH! I forgot my chocolate square. Gotta go add it now...

Chives in my tuna? Whole. New. Level.

2011-08-17T18:45:00.001-05:00

Here's the latest... It's getting easier to pack lunch every day, and it's only Day 3. Mostly because I spent an embarrassing number of hours on Saturday developing and completing a spreadsheet for the week's meals and groceries. Before you judge, you should know I have switched the meals around in several ways since I wrote it, so I may not be as rigid as you think. Ok, now go ahead and judge all you want.

Bento #3

Top Left: Cucumber, tomato, celery, and basil salad with balsamic vinegar, olive oil, and a little swiss cheese.
Top Right: Tuna salad with celery, sweet pickle relish, hard boiled egg, canola oil mayo, mustard, and CHIVES! (Just thought of adding chives because they were leftovers in the fridge from a recipe, and they are deeelicious in this!)
Bottom Right: tangerine and grapes
Bottom Left: dried apricots, prunes, peanut butter, and a Ghirardelli Dark and Sea Salt Caramel Squares.
I'm also including a whole wheat pita on top in the box.

Ew, I ate too much Bachelor Pad... I think I'm gonna puke.

2011-08-16T19:52:00.000-05:00

I was gonna write about Bachelor Pad, but I realized that when I watch it, I kinda feel like this:

You know, you want some ice cream, but just a little, so you have some and before you know it, your entire head is stuck inside the empty carton and you can't get out. Oh, and someone who claims to love you dearly is laughing at you, too. Yeah. Kinda like that.

Bento #2

2011-08-14T18:16:00.000-05:00

So, I've started back to work and I've also started back to Bento in an effort to save some money and release some weight. I hate counting food. Counting calories, counting fat grams, counting points, counting anything I put in my mouth, really. I think it blows and I won't do it. At least not yet. So many people who have been successful at shrinking say it's a necessary evil, but I am still trying to deny that. Enter Bento. I've decided if I wanna be small, I need to eat out of a small bowl from a small spoon. I need to stop thinking of myself as an extra large person, and start thinking of myself as a petite woman who stands at 5 feet and 4 inches, even with teased up 80s hair. I need to pack my lunch in tiny little boxes of pretty colors, and I need to enjoy food that came from the earth and not a factory. Starting in January, I switched to buying all natural and mostly organic groceries, but I've still been missing the portion size factor. Well, here we Bento.

Top Left: Carrots and celery with Peanut Butter for dipping. Also, a couple dark chocolate cranberries.
Top Right: Tangerine and grapes.
Bottom Left: Poached salmon and homemade ranch dill greek yogurt dip.
Bottom Right: Pita bread and hummus.
Far right with flatware: Ghirardelli Dark Chocolate and Sea Salt Carmel Square.

How to Avoid The Bends (for Teachers)

2011-08-10T21:21:00.000-05:00

There's a condition that many of us, even non-nautical types, know about that divers work hard to avoid. It's called "the bends." It happens as "gases come out of solution and into bubbles inside the body on depressurization." It can be deadly. Literally.

As a teacher, you face a similar risk when you go back to work after a heavenly summer of ~~not washing your hair~~ lounging, ~~seeing friends and family who don't live that far away but that you never get to see during the school year~~ exotic traveling, ~~eating whatever anyone puts in front of you at more restaurants than you saw in the past 9 months~~ fine dining, and ~~watching every reality show known to man~~ enjoying quality entertainment. Enter the real world too quickly and BAM! Before you know it, bubbles have collected in your gut, and you have joint pain, a rash, and severe paralysis.

Ok. That's just a metaphor, but still. It's a tough adjustment. Because I began the process on Monday, and I am using a technique I have gradually perfected over the past 5 years, I thought I'd share my process with you. If you're a teacher, you're welcome. If you know and love a teacher, please share this post with them. You, know, for the sake of their health.

Back to School Safety Tips for Teachers: Day 1
1) Fifteen days before the first day of school, drive to your school. You should be able to find it easily by getting in your car before 8:00 A.M. and sleep-driving without paying attention. Stop and get coffee on the way, even if you haven't had coffee for over a month. This will help you avoid depressing thoughts for at least 4 hours.
2) Get the very heavy box of books your parents gave you out of your trunk. Carefully balance your coffee and water bottle on top. As sweat drips into your eyes and you can't spare a hand to wipe it off, remember, it's 90 degrees now, but it'll be 107 later, so this is definitely worth it.
3) Walk into the school. Don't worry about not having your keys yet, you'll have enough responsibility in a few days, and anyway, you need that hand for carrying things.
4) Say hello to everyone you see. This won't take long because the only person in the building will be the administrative assistant. Ask her about her summer even though you know everything she did this summer because you're friends on facebook.
5) Head to your room with your coffee, water, purse, and giant box of books. When you see a gecko and a roach sharing the same square yard of the hallway, don't freak out and curse like a sailor like you would in your home. Instead, practice looking around for a small child to invite to catch them and take them outside. When you don't find a child, practice ignoring the creatures by looking the other way. Imagine that you just got free systematic desensitization therapy.
6) Open your classroom door. Walk in and audibly oooo and ahhh about the renovations that have changed about one third of your hallway wall into a window. Say out loud how much bigger and brighter the room looks. Don't worry that no one is in the room to hear your observation. Soon you're gonna have to speak more words in one day than you have spoken in a week during the summer, so it's best to practice now.

7) Walk over to your desk and move it approximately 2 feet to where it belongs. Wow, that's heavy!
8) Stop and take a drink of your coffee for fortitude. Sure, as a recovering caffeine addict, you might feel a little jittery, but it's ok. Just shake it off and remember you're doing this for the kids.
9) Begin to take the protective plastic off your computer. Don't hurt yourself. Despite what people think, plastic bags can be very heavy if you haven't lifted anything heavier than a remote control for 2 months. If you feel you're working too hard, stop right there.
10) Go find your friend in the kindergarten hallway. You'll feel better when you see she hasn't done much yet either. Chat for about 15 minutes and then let her get to work, for God's sake. She's got a lot to do!

11) Stop by the office and chat with the administrative assistant. When she 'reminds you' of a meeting tomorrow from 1:00-4:00, don't let her know that you were unaware of said meeting because you haven't checked work email all summer long. Instead, just smile, nod, get the hell outta there! That classroom and everything in it will still be there tomorrow.

Bachelorette, Fail!

2011-08-01T21:18:00.004-05:00

Fifteen minutes into the show and we have a breakdown. Ashley is in tears. Her sister (or Kat Von D) gives her her honest opinion about how she doesn't think JP is right for Ashley, and Ashley breaks down because she wishes someone would validate her feelings to help give her confidence in what she is feeling. This girl needs therapy to learn how to feel confident in what she is feeling withOUT her sister's or anyone else's approval.

Umm, what does he want with my much younger sister?? Are you kidding me?? Can you say the black sheep of the family is jealous of "the good sister"?

Ok, I'll tell you this: I hate when people say, "I'm a rational person, and you're not. You're more emotional..." That is a huge trigger for me, and I think it seems to be a trigger for Ashley too.

And p.s. Is the sister married? Oh, divorced? Hmm.

How about this. How about saying something like, "I know you have a tough decision to make. I know you'll make the best decision for you. You'll do great." How about that? And then after that you could say, "You just wanna have lots of sex with JP. There's just a lot of chemistry there. Ben's the one who you really seem to have staying power with, the one you seem to be yourself with. Whoever you really love is who you should choose. But you'll make the best decision for you no matter what, I just know it." How about that, jealous, bitter, older sister?

*****SPOILER ALERT!*****

(sorry Saimi!!)

For the record, as much as I love JP, I think she should have chosen Ben too.

Pssst, Ames, call me!

2011-07-31T23:34:00.000-05:00

So, I'm sitting here watching The Bachelorette: The Men Tell All, trying to decide if I can write about it tonight since I let Cheeseboy down last week. Nothing of consequence has happened in the first 16 minutes, when Chris Harrison gives me the first reason to write about the show. As he throws to commercial, he actually says, "When we return we'll take an exclusive sneak peek at the exciting new season of Bachelor Pad...Yeah. It is uh-MAY-zing!..." Really, Chris? I'm not sure you have a good handle on the English vocabulary if amazing is the word you use to describe the previews of Bachelor Pad. Just sayin'.

Then he promises that Bachelor Pad, the second season "...WILL BE the summer's most exciting show." Yeah, right.

Wait... men crying? A woman threatening to punch someone in the face over and over again until she breaks their nose? Challenges like this?

And Jake the Bachelor looking like....this?

I'm sorry, Chris Harrison, I owe you an apology. Now I'm pretty sure that WILL be the best show of the summer, and I also now know that sneak peek was uh-MAY-zing! Just like you said. I'm sorry I ever doubted you.

Why does Ryan seem to be putting off the gay vibe to me? I agree with everyone who is saying ABC is obviously considering him for the next Bachelor, but I'm not sure he's the best choice.

I kind of have a crush on Ames. Ames, if you're reading this, call me.

Blah blah blah...Bentley's not on tonight... blah blah blah... bloopers and funny moments... blah blah blah...

Ali, a former Bachelorette shows up and says, "this season was hard for me to watch..." Yeah, Ali, we know. It was hard for us, too. Mostly because each episode is so. Long.

Ok, before tonight, I thought she'd choose Ben, but now I'm thinking it'll be JP. I guess we'll see tomorrow.

2011-07-25T23:09:00.000-05:00

For some reasons, I'm not writing about the show tonight. My apologies to the 3 people who regularly visit my blog.

Rest in Peace, Amy Winehouse

2011-07-23T19:12:00.002-05:00

As we lose another 27-year-old, talented artist to mental health and chemical dependency struggles, I am reminded of my post from March 10, 2010, which was brought about by Corey Haim's passing. When will we fix this?? Wishing Amy Winehouse's soul, and her family, peace tonight.

Despite yet another loss, I find today that I have hope that one day there will be no stigma against mental illness and substance abuse; that people (including celebrities) will be treated for these illnesses like people are treated for cancer, without the shame that perpetuates the deadly cycle and so often claims their lives.

The following is a Re-Post:

Drugs and drug addicts have touched my life deeply, and in many different ways in my thirty-something years on this planet.

In the past, I have lost friends and relationships to this seemingly hopeless disease. I have counseled addicts and been unable to help. Most recently, I am faced with the inconvenience of living near someone who chooses to sell illegal drugs out of his dwelling. This results in unsavory strangers knocking on our doors when he will not answer his, loud banging and noises late into the night, and car break-ins in our parking lot.

Every time another celebrity loses his battle to move from being an active addict to a recovering addict, I am reminded of each of these connections, losses, and inconveniences that scar my soul. Today I find myself unable to write a fun, lighthearted blog entry as Corey Haim's untimely death preoccupies my thoughts. How long had he been struggling to try to leave these substances behind and begin dealing with reality on reality's terms?

On days like today I wonder when, as a country, we will change our health care focus from one of acute care of symptoms, to one of ongoing creation of health, wellness, and prevention of disease. When will we teach our children to fill their lives with balance, enlightenment, awareness, and living in the present, instead of allowing them to learn that self-medication and escape are the only things they can turn to for coping with less than ideal circumstances?

Will there be a time when we can give up even our so-called "soft addictions" in exchange for living in the present? Will we help ourselves learn to skip that junk food that would only serve the purpose of numbing the pain? Will we spend more time with our kids and less time with the computer or tv? Or could we ever even learn to be ok with some silence in our lives without reaching for a phone to find a friend to fill the empty space?

My hope for us all is that we can begin to address the fact that these celebrity deaths are not only tragic, but also a symptom of a country that is ill; an indication that our way of life is toxic in many ways. Of course there are wonderful things about our culture and I love my life most days. I just feel like drugs and addictions are creeping in as a subtle problem that has been ignored for too long.

I am curently on a quest to become a minimalist. I believe the consumerism in this country is part of the problem, and I want to try to fix my own part in that. But it's not easy. It's downright HARD to live in the moment. To experience pain and suffering for what it is, and then move on to the next moment.

Someday, there will be balance, but only if we continue to seek it even when it doesn't come easily.

Today I'm wishing for peace for our country, our world, and for Corey Haim's family.

Show her the full Ames!

2011-07-18T23:26:00.000-05:00

I'm so bored with this season, Tonight might be a short post. Hometowns.

Ummm, Cumming, GA? That's an unfortunate name. And on the water tower. Nice shot, cameraman.

Ames's sister tells him that he needs to make sure Ashley "gets to see the full Ames." Hmm.

Ben's mom and his sister are all that he has. Them, and a giant winery in Sonoma, California. That's all. Oh, and P.S. his sister's kind of a jealous bitch who wants to keep her brother all to herself.

Ohmygosh! Air Supply with a couples skate and a disco ball!? I knew I liked JP best. Except wait. I don't think that's really Air Supply. But whatever. It still works.

I love how, when there are 15 minutes left in the show, Ashley and Chris meet and do a re-cap of what happened in the first hour and 45 minutes of the show. Like we forgot what happened during the last commercial break. Thanks for the re-cap. We sure needed that.

Aww, poor Ames. He's just kinda too nerdy for her. Oh well. I hope he finds some other beautiful nerd to spend his life with. I don't think she's smart enough for him anyway. I'd like him to be on Bachelor Pad. Ha! They just shook hands! I guess he should have shown her the full Ames after all.

And now, the backless bachelorette.

2011-07-11T22:11:00.000-05:00

Here we go with another 'fresh start' for Ashley this week. No mention of Bentley so far in Taiwan, which I can only assume came as an order from the producers.

Oh my goodness, can her skirt BE any shorter? Or more pink?

Constantine gets the first one on one date. He's one of the 2 long-haired boys, but I can't tell you if he's the winemaker or the other one. If I had to choose one of the 2 long-haired boys, I think I'd choose Ben. What is with this top she has on? It's like they forgot the back. Or, she's all like, ooo, look at me, I don't have to wear a bra. And those heels with another pair of painted on jeans. Very culturally appropriate. Put your love wish on both sides of the lantern, then put some fire in it, and let it go into the sky. I don't see what could possibly go wrong. I'm bored already.

Ben gets the next one on one date. Mo-ped! He calls her kiddo. I don't really like it when men do that to me, but I guess some people do. Kissing on the bridge. "...holding Ashley feels right..." blah blah blah... Another very short skirt. She says the wine kinda tasted like the one he made and brought her on their other date. He obviously is insulted by that, and wants to teach her a little bit about wines. Yawn. so. bored.

Cut to the boys in the suite, and they are finding that Ben is not at home in the morning after his date. JP is very angry about this. Ben shows up and it's a little awkward, to say the least. They ask if he shared a room with her and he said they did not share a room.

Ames, JP, and Lucas are going on the group date together. Again with a short short pink skirt. Lots of... material. And gathers. On the group date, they are going to take photos with her. What on EARTH have they put Ames in?? A powder blue tuxedo with rhinestones, a pink shirt, and a feathery white plume in the breast pocket. I'm pretty sure JP tried to kill the other 2 guys with his eyes while they are having their pics taken. Then Lucas tells her he had an "OK" time on the date, and dodged more questions about his divorce. Ames shows her pics of his family and himself as a young boy. JP then tells her how hard it is for him to watch other guys kissing her, and then he gets a rose, because she is looking for a terribly jealous man who will give her the reassurance she needs in order to feel loved.
Ryan has the next one on one. Another backless shirt? Seriously? Is that even culturally appropriate in Tai Pei? At a temple? Make a wish to the matchmaking gods. Uh-oh. The thingies land in the same direction, which means their matchmaking wishes won't come true. Oh well. He's "on cloud ten." Now, on our date, we'll talk about water heaters, tankless ones to be specific. I'm gonna call the time of death on this relationship right now. Aaaand scene. She tells him she doesn't feel a spark. Aww. For a poor sweetie who said "heck" at one point, this is hard. Really hard. He wants to love someone unconditionally. Aww, you'll find her someday. I just know it. Or him.

Rose ceremony dress? Backless, of course. No cocktail party. Lucas goes home. When you figure out what you have learned since your divorce, call me.

Now, we hear from Emily about her failed relationship with Brad. Snoozefest. She does not give us any answers at all about what happened to cause them to break up with each other. I have no idea what happened. But, since she said it 20 times, I know it was really really hard.

And now, a PSA from Olive about Plantar Fasciitis

2011-07-04T20:34:00.000-05:00

The Bachlorette is a rerun tonight, so instead of hearing incessant whining about the B-word, we have another installment of Things that Really Tick Olive off.

First, some background info...

I have Plantar Fasciitis, so I haven't been running since May 10. It's been a long 2 months of physical therapy at home on my own. And a long 2 months for my friends on facebook having to read status updates about it every 2 days. Recently, I've cut back on the whining and started cross training in earnest --signing up for swimming lessons and doing yoga at home-- because the rest and physical therapy exercises are not having the effects that I expected. It's taking much longer to heal than I had hoped. I'm still in pain.

When I tell people that I have this condition, it's been my experience that approximately 90% of them have the following response: "Oh, I had that once for _____ months. It's awful!" Seriously, 90% of people I talk to about Plantar Fasciitis, whether or not they are runners, and whether or not they are overweight, say they have had this problem! WTH, man? Maybe I should be a poster girl for education and prevention of this problem.

The pain started for me in February, but it's not uncommon for runners to "run through it" so I tried that for a couple months. When the temperatures started getting to the 95 degree mark at our 6:00 PM workouts, though, it became too much for me to bear. So, when I first had to quit running, I took my angry energy to Zazzle, thinking maybe there'd be a market for something like this T-shirt I designed (shown above).

And this morning, while rolling my foot, which has never really bothered Olive before, I learned Plantar Fasciitis seems to be really starting to tick her off*, too...

*The lighting is really bad because it was the crack of dawn and I grabbed my phone which was close. Still, you get the idea.

The password is... erhu.

2011-06-27T21:36:00.000-05:00

Hong Kong.
Shiny, painted-on jeans.
Stripper platform shoes.

What else could one need to find love? Oh, closure with the B-word? Hmmm. Let's see what Daddy Chris can do for you. Oh. Bentley's here. In Hong Kong. What? Be still, my beating heart. No, seriously, Chris, I'm Ashley, I'm in love with an a-hole, and I am putting my hand to my chest to see if my heart is still beating since you told me that very a-hole is in this very hotel.

For some reason, they show us the envelope that says he's in room #4315. I think that reason is so some crazy person can go attack him in his room. Then, they don't show this, but I'm pretty sure Chris and Ashley did a pinky-swear that she would not let Bentley be vague, and that she would "not leave that room with any questions."

Ashley: "I still feel the same way I do when he left." (Seriously. That's a direct quote.)

OMG. She waits for like 20 minutes after knocking on his door, and you know he's in there snickering and smirking like a little frat boy looking through the peephole. Then he says, "Who is it?" You can practically hear him spitting on the door as he laughs hilariously at his own joke.

Oh geez, I can't stand another minute of this guy or this conversation. It's AWFUL. Now she actually just said, "So this is our period. See, like, there are some points in life, you just have to be a man and admit that. Like, if it's a period, like, you just need to put it there.... and if you came here for the same reasons Michelle Money told me, you would... leave me with me wanting you, and... you know what? mission a-f***in'-complished..." I'm pretty sure that's gonna get the MTV award for best use of a curse word implanted in the middle of a regular word for emphasis. Great job, Ash!

Awkward silence. "I cannot believe that I wasted so much time on Bentley. Both with him, and thinking about him when he left. I needed this time away from him to really be able to see through him.... He knows exactly how to talk to a girl to make them believe what he wants them to believe... he's such a player... he disrespected me, like to the core..."

Well, look who just caught up! Thank GOD.

Lucas gets the first one-on-one date of the night. Boring. Oh, wait. "Lucas makes me feel like a woman. Like, there's something about his manlihood that makes me feel protected..." Awesome.

The group date is a dragon boat race, and the boys have to round up teammates from the streets. Again, awkward! The winemaker was paired with the other guy with the same haircut. I can't remember their names, but the 2 of them were chanting something that they thought meant, "eat it," but then later they learned it meant, "idiot." They also said they were getting smoked. Like salmon. And they were. I like those two. Then, someone gets engaged on the beach after the dragon boat race. Spoiler alert: it wasn't Ashley.

Ok, the focus is bad and I forgot to turn the flash off, but you can see it, right?

Ames takes her to the elevator and totally puts the moves on her. The only thing that was missing was that Aerosmith song. Then she makes out with Ben F., the winemaker. Then Ryan gets the group date rose after sticking his tongue out at her in a weird, latent-creepy-primate-mating-signal kind of way. It's like she was hypnotized by it even though it was kinda repulsive. ...must get rose and give it to him. I see his tongue. He give me signal. Must get rose.... Not surprisingly, the other boys are a little jealous about that.

JP gets the next one-on-one and she's wearing a translucent white top that you can see right through to her black bikini top (or bra) and black pants. He's so cute. I like him and Ben F. the best right now. Ashley asks when was the last time he cried, and he shares that the last time he cried was over his ex. Awww. Then Ashley, in her self-sabotaging way, goes and tells him that she saw Bentley a couple days ago in Hong Kong. What on earth is she doing?? It is so true that she must not believe that she deserves love. JP's doing the little controlled "ok's" that guys do when you're telling them something that really pisses them off but they don't want you to not tell them stuff. "Ok. Ok. Ok.. Thank you for telling me. I'm glad you got the closure you needed..." Makeout time! Rose. More making out.

Ok, now I'm convinced ABC is trying to track their viewership by mentioning unusual stuff on the air and then checking the number of google searches for said unusual item. "Look!" says Ashley as she points across the way, "It's an erhu." Like she knew what it was called before the producers told her to point it out. So, congratulations, ABC. I just searched for erhu, and found out a little more about that Chinese violin that guy was playing at the end of their date. Same with muay thai boxing last week. Ok, look, I'm all for educating America. It's just that at the rate of one word per week, I'm not sure how fast we can accomplish that task. Oh, well. It's worth a try, I guess. Watch next week's The Bachelorette for your word of the week.

Entering the cocktail party, her voiceover says she's pleased at how JP took the "Bentley news" and she's looking forward to getting it all off her chest with the other guys. Um, Ash? How do I say this? I don't think you need to get much more off your chest than the wardrobe people already did. Blake says, "...it's tough to take your eyes off her...," and I think they may have cut off the last word in that sentence he was uttering.

Uh-oh. Can someone please turn off the fan? 'Cuz I think the s**t's about to hit it. She proceeds now to tell all the men that she was pining for Bentley until just a couple days ago, when she got to meet with him in Hong Kong. Crickets. Then the winemaker (or the other guy with long hair) starts the stoning. Then Lucas fires off an accusatory question about why she didn't find that closure sooner than Hong Kong. Lucas: "It's just weird to me. I'm glad you got closure, but, um, you know, we're puttin' a lot on the line as well, so...I don't know..." Then Blake pipes up about his annoyance with the situation. She quickly gets out of the kitchen because she can't take the heat. Then each guy takes his turn to speak to her one-on-one and either bitch her out about her choices and feelings about Bentley, or comfort her. Then Mickey puts his money where his mouth is and leaves.

Tearful apology from the self-sabotage girl.

More crying. She doesn't know "how to make everyone happy right now." Seriously? That's her goal? To make everyone happy right now? Umm, codependent much? Don't they do a full psychological evaluation on these girls before putting them through this tough gauntlet called The Bachelorette? I mean, I know they did a full evaluation of her dancing abilities, but I'm so disappointed by her emotional maladjustment.

Blake has to go home because he was mean to her when she told them about her feelings for Bentley. And then there were six.

Of course I'll punch a guy in the head for you!

2011-06-20T23:09:00.001-05:00

Tonight, we head to Chiang Mai, the city in Thailand where Ames would most like to have a date. ("There's no city in Thailand I would rather go on a date in...")
Meanwhile, we learn of Lucas' hopes, which are kinda low: "Hopefully she sees something in me."

B-word count: 1

Ashley states that things are looking 'hopeful and promising' for her, and once again, she hopes for a 'new start' with the guys. Um, really? She has hoped for a 'new start' with them every night since that a-hole Bentley left, and she is still pining for him in the worst way! She also lets us know that Chiang Mai is the perfect place to fall in love.

Ben F. gets the first one-on-one date tonight, and he predicts that there's a 100% chance that Ashley will get kissed tonight. Oh, winemaker, make it so. They spend time in the marketplace, and he says it feels like he's on vacation with his girlfriend. They share a mental kiss outside the temple because Ashley's a big tease and talks about nothing but kissing even though they are outside the temple and it is strictly forbidden in Thai culture. They flirt like crazy and then she growls at the camera in her interview. Yes. I'm serious. She just growled in her interview. For their evening dinner, they go to a place that I can only assume is the Botanical Garden at the Bellagio in Las Vegas because there are so many flowers in such intricate patterns. Ben F. proceeds to tell her why he wasn't ready for this a few years ago, but he is now.

Cut to the boys at the villa, where they learn who is going on the group date, and we get a purposeful package shot (for ABC's target demographic, AKA, women younger than me) of Nick, who I will now start calling the Matthew McConaughey wannabe, since that's who he reminds me of. Thank you, producers. (Sorry, Mom and Dad.)

The group date is a chance for them to fight each other. Awesome. They are learning Muay Thai boxing, and Ashley is so excited for this 'hot way to see the men.' Of course! Who wouldn't be? Uh, me. I wouldn't be excited to see my suitors punching each other's lights out. But, I guess, to each his own.

She's also excited about 'finding the masculinity in these guys' and claims she 'feels bad, but it's still kinda hot.' Hmm. Interesting information. Then she wants to see the guys in their fighting uniforms, because they're 'hot.' Ames gets the pink ones. How hot is that, Ash? I know, right? Oh, wait. What? You're nervous?
Yeah, you've said that a few times now. You wanna go to the square, where people are boxing in public, and I'm pretty sure your dates are gonna pee in their new 'hot' uniforms? Our bachelorette has said she's nervous about 3 times so far. Foreshadowing? Uhh, yes, I think so. Now, this looks like the face of someone having a great time on a date, right? Next, Ames enters the ring, and we learn that his 'take on physical violence is that there's pretty much always another way, and usually [he'll] seek that way...' and that he's never been in a fight before in his life. He proceeds to get punched in the head about 8 times, and is obviously dizzy and shaken after the fight. He had a bloody nose and bloodshot eyes. Ashley can tell he's not ok, so she goes to get the paramedics to help. Yep. It's all fun & games until someone gets a concussion as they are literally punching other men in order to earn your love. Is it hot now, Ash? Wait. Don't answer that.

B-word count: 2

Ben C. and William get the two-on-one date, which means one of them will be leaving Thailand right after that date.

B-word count: 3 (This time Lucas said it, but still.)
B-word count: 4
B-word count: 5

Blake gets the group date rose.

Ok. This is the part of the program where I get bored. Inevitably. B. Ored. Ben C. and William push a raft through the water. In the words of William: '...it's 2 dudes, one girl. Awkward.' Exactly. And also? You forgot boring.

Oooo, now your killer instinct is decreasing my boredom, cunning William! What's this? You're telling our fragile flower that Ben C. told the guys he is looking forward to going home and joining the online dating sites? Awesome! Now we're getting somewhere. After this revelation she ends the two-on-one portion of the date and sends Ben C. home immediately. Well played, William. Well played. Ooo! Then she did the worst thing of all! She called him 'Hon' as she said goodbye and put him on a raft outta there. Hon! Do you believe that s**t?

Oh YES! Now William gets a taste of his own medicine when she ends the date early and walks him out because he admits he's a 30-year-old boy! HA! How's it feel, William?! You sure got it right when you said, "I am the world's... the world's biggest f*****g jackass!" Yup. You sure are, William. You sure are.

Cut to a scary scene where she burns the two-on-one-date rose and looks down at it, as if that rose is the reason she is a profoundly insecure nervous nelly who wonders again if she will ever be able to find love through this process. Uhh, no, you probably won't, because you are a bottomless pit of emotional neediness. Don't take it out on the rose by staring at it in a mean way. It's your own fault. Just sayin.

B-word count: 6
B-word count: 7

Now she mentions the B-word again, saying she needs to stop thinking about him, but she can't! She stops mid-conversation with JP as he is declaring to her how comfortable he is with her, and she is obviously still thinking about the B-word. Ugh. Producers, give her CLOSURE! Play the tape of him talking about how he's gonna break her heart but he hopes his hair looks ok, or how he'd rather swim in pee than go on a date where he has to pretend to marry her. SHOW it to her! Do it! I am begging you.

Thunder. Lightning. A meeting with Chris Harrison. He asks how she's feeling and she's trying to tell him that she's moving forward with the guys, but... wait for it....
B-word count: 8!

She confides in Chris that she thinks of the B-word in times when she needs comfort. Then she says, "That's not normal..." You said it, sister!

She tells Chris she wants to ask the B-word some questions and that if he told her he left because he didn't have strong enough feelings for her, she could move on, but without that, she doesn't think she can make this process work. Chris says he'll 'see what he can do,' which makes me think he is truly a genie instead of a TV host who barely works 2 hours each week.

In the end it is Nick, our Matthew McConaughey wannabe who goes home. Oh well. He's gotta just keep livin' man, l-i-v-i-n.

Happy Father's Day! Oh, crap! I forgot my inhaler...

2011-06-19T10:05:00.003-05:00

Christmas, 2010

I recently visited my parents, and my Dad took me mountain biking for the first time. We went up to about 11,000 feet, got out of the car, and I realized I had forgotten my inhaler. Oh, and my front tire was a little low. "It's ok," my dad said, "You'll be fine." We started up the steepest part of the ride, and I couldn't remember how to get the gears right so that I could move the bike up the hill. "You wanna get it in the lowest gear to get yourself up the hill, and then you can move up when it levels off..." he said. Ok. I can do this, I thought. But I couldn't. I made it a short way and then had to get off the bike because it just would not move anymore. "Well, let's just walk up," he said. Ok. I can do that. So we did. About 3/4 of the way up, I stopped walking. "I can't breathe," I wheezed at him. "Ok," he said, "well, just take a break." Ok, I thought. I can do that. So we did. We chatted and laughed and enjoyed the breeze around us until I felt better. My breathing recovered and we started out again. Soon we were at the crest, and I got back on the bike. Hey, this is kinda fun! I thought, as we jolted and jumped along the bumpy mountain trail. Up and down little mini hills that made me feel like I could have been in a fake Mountain Dew commercial. Then, with my nervous death-grip on the handlebars, my right hand falls asleep. "I'm a wreck!" I said to him. "My hand is going numb!" We laugh together as we're rolling along down the wooded trail, twisting and turning and bouncing with the rhythm only a rocky mountain in beautiful, scenic nature can provide. "Well, don't lean so far forward!" he calls to me from behind. Ok, I thought. I can do that. So I sat up straighter and felt better instantly. Dad then notices my feet are kinda wonky. "Hey!" he says, "Keep your feet more level with each other... Don't put one down and one up. Then when a bump comes, you can stand up a little off the seat!" Ok, I thought. I can do that. So I did. And the ride became a little less bumpy. Now we're having fun, enjoying the breeze and the bumps and the winding trail that God made. The temperature is perfect, and I hear my Dad's encouraging words, "We don't have far to go now..." Now I'm thinking to myself, I've almost done it! I almost finished this trail! And then I remember, "Didn't you say there's another uphill section that's tough?" He hesitates and then says, "Well, just up that beginning road again to get to the car, that's all..." Oh, ok. I can do that. So, we get to that hill and I am armed with the knowledge of how to work the gears, how to stand a little if I need to, and how to straighten up for some comfort in my arms. I pump, pump, pump my jelly legs which are full of plenty of muscle, but also way more fat than they should contain. I think to myself, I'm gonna have to get off and walk. Now, because I don't say those words out loud, my dad can't combat them for me. But then something happens. Instead, I say them inside, and then I hear myself think, No I'm not gonna get off. It's not that far, I'm just gonna stay on and ride it out. I can do that. I've done it the whole way here on that crazy mountain. And I did. I did not get off that bike until I was next to the car and my dad was standing around chatting with the Ranger who was there. Yes, my breathing was ragged, and my legs and arms felt like wet noodles, but I did it! I didn't think I could, but I did it. Because my Dad was there encouraging me the whole way. Kinda like driving a stick-shift, earning my college degree, putting together Ikea furniture by myself, earning a Master's degree, hooking up electronics without a man around, becoming a teacher, and becoming a runner. I did these things on my own, but with my parents' voices in my head, helping me argue with my own gremlin-voice which tried to convince me I couldn't do it, every step of the way. The fact that I am a runner now is so important to me for that reason... I can do it! And without my Dad's whispers in my ear my whole life, I might never have known that. Thanks, Dad! I love you. Happy Father's Day. That mountain bike ride was SOME kinda FUN!

P.S. There's more "S**t my Dad Says" in last year's post. He's a smart man. You should read that one too, if you haven't already.

Don't say the B-Word!! or Go West, Young Man...

2011-06-13T22:55:00.000-05:00

Bachelorette time! I'm still on vacation, but I remembered the day of the week this time, so here we go....

Tonight we're off to Thailand for what will no doubt be a two-hour promo. Right away we get the double fist pump from Ashley as she talks about how excited she is to go to Thailand. She is still talking about missing the B-word and I don't even want to write his name, so I'm hoping she will forget about him asap.

Ashley meets with a "navigator" who suggests the heated lagoons, and they both go, "ooooo, that will be niiiiice." As if it's not already all planned out and orchestrated ahead of time. Do we really need to see this bad acting to enrich our understanding of the services we can find in Thailand, should we need assistance planning our dates there?

Constantine gets the first one-on-one date, with a super-original date card that says, "Let's sea Phuket together." She's so witty. Practically a genius. He owns a restaurant in Atlanta. I wonder if he goes by Connie. Again, really bad acting... they have a date planned for time on a boat, and it's raining. The boat guy comes over and explains they can't go out on the boat today, and they both try to act surprised and disappointed. Like the producers hadn't already decided all this and told them the news ahead of time. Oooo! He's rockin' the Adidas shower shoes. Niiice! Another staged meeting with the locals where they ask a shop owner how long he's been married and if he has any advice for them. They did this same thing on the Bachelor last season, I'm pretty sure. Not sure where. Maybe in Fiji? Anyway, this particular sage local says the keys are: "Forgive and forget. And don't try to win." Our heroine is blown away by the "Don't try to win" line, and later we find the 2 of them toasting to "not winning" after Constantine casually mentions he's not in this for the "free trip around the world," but rather, to find love. Or not. He's breezy. Whatever. He's not here to win. I mean, it's not like he's Charlie Sheen or something. Then they race each other through the rainy streets, both wearing sandals. She still keeps talking about how she's thinking about Bentley. Enough already, Ashley!! Seriously. Umm, Constantine says a lot of words. And I can't make a lot of sense out of them. They have some conversation about how they're feeling about each other, and all I can get from it is that she's feeling insecure and he's feeling into her. He reassures her he's into her and she believes him. So. There ya go.

Cut to a 3 guys talking in the bedroom at home about how many of them have kissed her. JP the construction worker is flabbergasted when he learns that the 2 other guys in the room have kissed her. It is quite obvious that he hasn't. Then one of them refers to our little peach, Ashley as a "piece of fruit" that they're all going after. Is that guy Blake? Hmm. I don't even know. Some Bachelorette blogger I am. I promise I'll know them all by next week.

Rain rain rain. "My heart is still aching from B-word leaving.." rain rain rain rain...

Group date! At an orphanage for kids who lost their parents in the tsunami. Good. Now she can see who will be best for painting her house and moving her furniture when they move in together for a few months before they break up. I guess they will also be helping lots of people who need it. So, win-win-win. Mickey uses the word "themself" but Ryan is the one who is starting to get on the boys' nerves. Go figure. Ashley confesses to the cameras that she is worried she is losing her connection with these guys. Wait. I'm having a flashback to every date she ever had with Brad the re-Bachelor. Next she finds Ben F., the winemaker, trying to paint a mural of an elephant on one of the walls, and she connects with him by painting some flowers. Enter the kids of the orphanage! Yay! They are so happy to have their place fixed up and to have some new shoes and toys. I wonder if Connie gave them some Adidas shower shoes.

What is she wearing tonight at the evening group date? It kinda looks like a shrimp net got caught over her bikini. Ryan impresses us all with his verbal skills by saying such things as, "Damn! Nice outfit!" and "...on top of the beauty of it, she's just freakin' rad!"

She pulls Ben F. aside to tell him that he impressed her today with his elephant. Oh, and then he uses one of my favorite sayings, "You're a smart girl. You'll figure it out..." One of the things an ex of mine used to say to me all the time. Then they start making out. Works every time.

More complaining about Ryan. Blah blah blah. Ryan says he gets along with guys. Ashley tells him she wants "that physical-ness" in a relationship. Hmm. I'm gonna have to call Webster to tell them about the following new words that should be added after this episode: physical-ness and themself. Oh, back to boys complaining about Ryan getting the rose on the last group date and how he might be the one who gets it tonight too.

She is SO insecure!! She now says that she thinks JP seemed standoffish today. Hey Ashley, do you need more fishing line? Because you aren't getting enough compliments to soothe your fragile ego. C'mon, JP... Kiss HER! Kiss HER! Then he does. I think my chanting made it happen. Maybe y'all were chanting with me? Then he almost drops her as he tries to carry her back to the group. Giggle giggle, laugh, hee hee hee. Oooo! Ryan's jealous of JP.

Ryan pulls her away from the guys right as she is about to give away the group date rose. The guys all scream foul play. Then she gives it to Ben F. Ok, I still think Ryan might win, but now I'm hoping it will be William or JP. That will change about 20 more times before this season is over, but that's where I am right now with it.

Ames gets the second one-on-one date. More rain. Rain. And some more rain. I'm kinda feeling bad about this 2-hour promo for Thailand. Makes me think it's kinda like Seattle and the rain never stops. Ames lets us know he's been to Thailand several times alone (to climb mountains and attend cooking school) and wants someone to travel with him. We learn he's a spontaneous guy, "Last minute is the best minute." Ok, I'll be honest. I'm bored.

Ro-SES. Ro-SES. Ro-SES! Hopefully the rose ceremony will be soon. Beautiful scenery. Great commercial for Thailand. Even with all the rain, the beauty of the scenery really is undeniable. Ro-SES! Ok. Not yet.

She's looking for someone who's really 'devoted' (read: 'someone to soothe my insecurities'). Ames is looking for someone who is 'open-minded' and able to 'empathize' with his spontaneity. (read: "someone who won't get mad when I 'accidentally' cheat on her").

Ok, I wanted to count the number of times she mentioned the B-word in this episode, but she said it so many times that I could NOT keep count. I'm pretty sure it was more than 15 times. Seriously.

When Ashley asks what makes him sad or mad, Ryan says, "...I'm bursting with a lot of love in my chest." Hmm. I think you may need to see a doctor about that.

Finally! Rose time!! In the end, West, the one who lost his fiance years ago, was the one to go home, as opposed to Lucas, who answered her question about how he will avoid a second divorce over 'losing the passion,' with compliments. Her fragile ego most certainly could not sustain being in a dead woman's shadow, and who really cares if the other guy can avoid a divorce anyway. He said she's gorgeous and he wants to be with her. Plus, her intuition is always spot on.

Best Movie Theater in the Magnited States of America!

2011-06-08T13:15:00.000-05:00

Where? Well, here in the Austin, Texas, of course.

Many of you may have heard this story, but if you haven't, you MUST read it and watch the Public Service Announcement from the Alamo Drafthouse about texting and using a cell phone during the movie. *Warning: Below is the uncensored version. If you are easily offended, you should go here for the censored version. Oh, and if you're easily offended, why on EARTH are you reading my blog??

The Alamo Drafthouse is hands down the best movie theater chain in Austin. They serve delicious appetizers, meals and snacks during the movie, and also, beer and wine. It's a downright uh-mazing experience with excellent food and service every time I go there. On top of that, they have outrageously fun special events like movie quote-alongs, sing-alongs, and Master Pancake. Oh, and don't forget the Rolling Roadshow, where you can be hotter than you ever wanted to be, and have more fun than you ever thought you'd have all at the same time. These unique events are so much fun, and I have never once been disappointed by a movie or special event at the Alamo Drafthouse. And I've been to a lot. I highly recommend it.

So, in conclusion, I, like many other Austinites, and the Founder and CEO of the Alamo Drafthouse, "do give a f*$k" if you ruin our movie-going experience by texting or using your cell phone during a movie. Take that s#^t somewhere else in the Magnited States of America. The Alamo doesn't allow it, and we like it that way.

That Bentley's a Lemon

2011-06-07T19:14:00.000-05:00

Sorry for the delay in the Bachelorette write-up. I'm on vacation, and last night I forgot that it was Monday until the show was already halfway over. So then I had to wait until today when it was posted online at abc.com to watch it in its entirety. So, without further ado...

Ben goes on the first one-on-one date for a flashmob that he doesn't know anything about. First, she has to teach him a dance routine. We see a funny high-five moment with a miss and a big 'ouch!' from the fragile flower that is our Ashley. Next our happy couple can be found on a blanket in the park and then she convinces him to do the dance routine for no reason at all, as far as he knows. Again, he doesn't know anything about the flashmob when he starts dancing in a crowded park for this silly girl. Flashmob in the park, y'all! Cuz this dancing dentist-to-be is crazy like that. When the flashmob ends, Ben dazzles us with his superlative vocabulary by telling her, "That was ridiculous," no fewer than 5 times. Then he exclaims that, "This is the most ridiculous first date I have ever been on!" Ben, you are so right. Cut to a well-engineered mob shouting , "KISS! KISS! KISS!" And then they do. Well done, Flashmob America, well done.

Ben had too much caffeine after the flashmob, I guess. Because he's talking about a mile a minute about how ridiculous he wants his relationship to be. How he wants to live in a bubble (?) with the one he loves, presumably this bubble is made of romaticism, but Ashley can't ask him any questions because of how fast he is talking. In fact, I think I'm typing pretty fast now too, just because his rate of speech is making me so anxious. Yikes! Slooow down, there, Benny Boy. Let's not tell her how you'd like to consult your buddies about whether or not you should use an emoticon in your lovey-dovey texts to her the day after a great date.

Squirrels and wildlife, then organ music, then the man in the mask. Dunh-duh-duuuunh!!! Good news! He feels like he's made his point, and he's ready to move forward with Ashley (by taking the mask off). "True love...blah blah blah... he gives his little speech and she looks like she is thinking, "Oh my GOD. Take it OFF already!!" Then he reaches up to take it off, and the producers laugh along with us by cutting to a hawk, a squirrel, and some other wildlife, again with more creepy music. We all knew he was wearing this mask because he's 35 when the average age of the other contestants is closer to 25, and we get confirmation that she is not pleased by his age, and that the mask was a good choice to keep himself around this long.

Off to the group date at a comedy club, where the guys will roast Ashley. Oh, and each other. In a real, completely sold out show with 200 people in the audience. Jeffrey Ross is the Roastmaster here, and one of the guys is so right when he, accurately states, "It's a thin line.." to roast the woman you are trying to woo. Some mask jokes, some booby jokes, lots of crickets, and then... The one that devastates our heorine and reduces her to immediate tears... William says that he thought he was signing up to meet Emily or Chantal, that she was "another man's trash..." and that they're there for Brad Womack's leftovers. Ouch. Then Bentley swoops in and takes his opportunity to "mess with her head" (really going out of his way to be a jerk by saying things like this) and comfort her in her time of need. William is so sensitive and cries when he apologizes to her, but she feels like he should have comforted her instead. Ryan comforts her for real, and gets the group date rose for it. He also called her beautiful. Note to men everywhere: he also called her beautiful and said he wanted to be with no one but her. And unlike Bentley, Ryan was sincere about it. Another reason he is my pick to win the final rose.

Bentley is so full of it, I can't stand it. He decides to leave when he finds out she had been warned about his evil ways. He tells all the guys that he needs to get back to his daughter, Cozy. He also says in his interviews that he "played everyone, and that's never been done before." Woo. Hoo. Good for you, empty shell of a man. Great job. Very impressive. The name calling is so very attractive on you. Calling her an ugly duckling to the cameras. It's like the kid who feels insecure and calls people names to make himself feel better. I wonder how you will feel someday when someone "plays" your little girl, Cozy, like you've done to Ashley.

Gross. I can't watch anymore! Eeewwww! I cannot take it. Go aWAY, evil Bentley. Just go away. For. Ever. Ashely continues to show us her amazing powers of judging people's character by believing every word he says. I really think I threw up a little in my mouth just now.

Now, let the cry-fest begin. Oh, producers, it must be hard for you to sleep at night after a day like this. Is it?

Next, our construction worker, JP, gets a one-on-one date. What a breath of fresh air after Bentley. Eww. I don't even like to write that guy's name. But poor JP to have to go on his first one-on-one date when she is in this state of mind. I really hope she can shake it off and have a good dates with these other boys who are here to find love with her. JP really does a great job of checking in with her to see if she's feeling ok before their date really starts. He is sincere and kind and warm. They put PJ bottoms on. PJs for JP. Nerd alert! Ha! I love letters and words. Anyway, it's cute that she puts her glasses on and they sit by the fire in PJ's. "There's something about JP's kisses..."

Ok, Girl. Crying before the rose ceremony just won't do. Get it together.

Sweet William gets a rose, and is still apologizing for the roast as she pins it on him. I think she totally made the right call. Mask guy has to go home because he took the mask off and revealed a few more wrinkles than any of the other guys. Oh well. At least Bentley's gone.

When you're a shark, you're a shark all the way.

2011-05-30T21:18:00.000-05:00

Today I made home made bread and butter pickles, but I can't write about it because tonight is the Bachelorette. If anyone's interested, I'll post my tips for pickling cucumbers another time.

For now, The Bachelorette (or should I say 2-hour ad for Las Vegas?)...

William, the cell phone salesman from Ohio (who does NOT wear a mask), gets a one-on-one date in Las Vegas (where I happened to live for 6 years). I'm jealous.

Ha! Again with the mask, now he's sitting out in the courtyard, wearing a hat, chatting with one of the other guys who says, "Now that we're in 90-degree-weather, do you wish you had worn a white mask?"

Cut to Las Vegas where William and Ashley choose a wedding cake, a ring, and a wedding chapel.

Uhh, Concierge? Can we get an undergarment consultation outside the wedding chapel, please? STAT. Either that, or a tailor that can make a LINING for a white dress that looks pretty cheap? Thanks. Hey Ash, I'm not sure how to say this, but your ASH is showing.

They then go to a balcony at the Bellagio, where I used to enjoy beef carpaccio as an appetizer at Olive's after a big win at the blackjack tables. Hmm. I didn't think about that when I named Olive, but maybe that is subconsciously part of where she gets her name. I have such fond memories of that place. It's the balcony where I was eating when I saw Kevin Pollak and was too nervous to say anything to him.

Wait. I'm supposed to be writing about The Bachelorette. Oh man, they are eating dinner on the water of the Bellagio fountains, and I am so bored. Ok. Based on the 2 kisses I've seen between them, William will not be winning the final rose.

Uh-oh. A pink, plaid navel-bearing shirt with dark, painted-on jeans, pink sky-high pumps, and a ponytail. Kind of Sandra Lee tries to go bad-ass but makes a left turn at Daisy Duke's and misses it by that much. Now there's a dance-off where the guys compete in 2 groups for a chance to dance with the Jabawoceez. It's like West Side Story with the Jets and the Sharks. And she's showing her navel again. A lot.

Um, ok, I'll be honest. I'm kinda creeped out by all the masks in this performance. And navels.

Next, we have the psychopathic Bentley who begins his manipulative mind-effing. He mentions his daughter while having an intimate chat with Ashley, all the while they are cutting to his interviews where he is laughing and saying he'd like to have sex with her, but his interest in her goes no further than that. Like some diabolical evil mastermind. Then Ashley uses the word "please" no fewer than 8 times when she tells him that if he feels something for her, "please stay." And she tells him to trust her. Oh, sweet little Ashley. You were even warned by your friends before you came that he was not doing this show to find love, and you're still playing right into his hands. Ugh. This is gonna be hard to watch.

Lots of coin flips in the next date, which is at Aureole and The Shark Reef at Mandalay Bay. Blah blah blah. C'mon. This second hour is really not necessary. Surprise concert by some woman I don't know. Coby collette? No idea. Ok, I googled it. Maybe it's Colbie Caillat? I'm pretty sure Mickey (Ashley's date) didn't know who it was either... he kept squinting and acting like he couldn't believe there was a concert, but really, I think he couldn't figure out who she was.

Will already has a rose, and interrupts someone else's one-on-one time. The cardinal sin of the Bachelor franchise: Thou shalt not interrupt another's one-on-one time if thou already hast a rose. I think the producers should put some bodyguards outside William's door tonight.

Ooo, the masked man reveals personal information to Ashley during some one-on-one time before the rose ceremony. He says that he is 35 years old, and had a brain hemorrhage 6 years ago. He also revealed that he is divorced. As he was about to take off his mask, someone interrupted him, soap-opera style. It was like slow motion. It was awesome. So the mask remains for another week.

Ladies and Gentlemen! We have an official villain of the show, and I think this could be a bigger villain than Johnny Fairplay of Survivor back in the day. Bentley now declares to the camera alone that he would rather swim in pee than plan a wedding with our fair bachelorette. Cut to him picking her up, carrying her out of the room, and kissing her in front of the fireplace on the hearth. Ugh. She is falling for it hook, line, and sinker. Ew. I'm gonna need a shower after watching this guy. Then as we watch the make-out session, we hear a voice-over of Bentley saying the kiss was boring, and then a voice-over of Ashley saying she knows she was warned about him, but she's a good judge of character, and her gut is telling her to trust him. I guess we know why she's in this pickle of choosing the wrong men, now, huh? Well, I shouldn't talk. It takes one to know one, and I'd probably be eatin' up his lines faster than he could dish 'em out if I were her.

Ok, it's official. These producers are evil, and Bentley's a psychopath. I need to go take a shower now.

Feline Shenanigans

2011-05-27T17:31:00.000-05:00

Famous Last Words: Sure! I'll come look in on your 3 cats while you're gone. Feed them. Scoop the litter box. Maybe pet them for a few minutes. How hard could it be?

Who can turn the world on with her smile?

2011-05-23T22:27:00.000-05:00

...The Bachelorette, of course!

Wow. So, the Bachelorette starts tonight, and I'm up walking around, getting water from the kitchen as they 'introduce' Ashely to us, even though most of us know her from the Bachelor, when BAM! There is too much happening already! I have to start writing...

So many things to discuss in the initial montage after the re-cap of her experience with Brad, the re-bachelor. Lots of dancing shots where she is very Tenley-esque, a weird crotch shot and some belly shots of said dancing, then on to some shots of her 'treating patients', and by that I mean, 'treating a guy who's obviously been plucked from the bachelor hopefuls for some B-roll to prove that she's really a dental student'. Next is where I had to put the water down and start typing... we see her in a Mary Tyler Moore hat, and then a Mary Tyler Moore pea coat, walking down a Mary Tyler Moore kind of street. More butt shots and belly-skin shots of dancing, followed up with a Rocky-like scene running up some steps with some weird boxing-like punches, no doubt directed at Brad the re-bachelor in her mind.

I'm already annoyed by this girl's navel. Do I seriously need to see it? THIS much??

Oh my goodness. How'm I gonna handle 2 hours of this? Oh, right. Enter the boys....

A solar energy executive, a construction manager who pretends to get his heart broken all the time when really he's probably an arrogant jerk, a finance-guy-ultramarathoner who runs 28 hours at a time and has run 29 marathons, a lawyer from New Orleans who gives himself a romantic score of 215 on a scale of one to ten (??), and a winemaker whose father has died. Next is a 'businessman' named Bentley, who has a daughter named Cozy (??), runs a family fun center (?), and is rumored to be on the show only to promote said family fun center. After that we meet a butcher from Wackoff, ..err. Wyckoff, New Joisey (bad Ben Affleck look-alike).

Now at this point we meet another lawyer who, in an Emily-like twist, lost his fiance in a 'bathtub accident' which reminds me very strongly of a story I heard on Dateline on May 6, where the guy was obviously guilty of killing his young wife (a dental hygienist!) in the bathtub and claiming she fell asleep. Just sayin. Next is a cell phone salesman from Ohio with an umbrella that's turned inside out and a dead, alcoholic father. His watch stopped when his dad passed away, so I'm pretty sure he's a highly sensitive individual.

Now, if you're good with math, you're saying, 'but FabuLeslie, there are 25 hopeful bachelors on tonight's show. Why did the producers only show us 9 packages?' (I learned 'packages' from American Idol years ago. It's what they say in the biz instead of montage. You're welcome.) Well, I'm glad you asked, dear reader! Because these are the ones who will either go all the way, or go out with a spectacularly bad mistake in the first show.

Um, microphone pack = not flattering in the back of a sequined, sparkly dress.

Chris and Ashley re-hash her mistakes with Brad, blah blah blah...I can't really focus on what they're saying now because I keep thinking her teeth are so blindingly white and so crooked all at the same time. Not that that bothers me. I'd rather see charmingly crooked than giant straight veneers.

Oh good. Finally! Here come the guys.

Of course, the ground is wet in front of the mansion. I would expect nothing less.

hee hee giggle giggle giggle smile smile heehee --WHOA-- That guy just tried to kiss her upon getting out of the limo! Creepy weirdo. smile smile giggle hee hee hahaha I'm a hugger. hahah hee hee I'm a hugger. --record scratch-- Even more creepy weirdo with a mask "makin' a point." spooky music. heehee hahah wink. hand kiss. hahaha bad poetry. hahaha hee hee hahaha giggle giggle I'm a hugger.

Cocktail party. (Refusing to make a bad joke here. I teach first grade, you pervs!) This is why I'm no good at cocktail parties. Hard to keep my eyes open.

Oh wait! There's a guy who's obviously drunk, but I'm also pretty sure he's high on pain pills! Maybe his doctor gave him a Xanax to try to calm his nerves for the big night, but he's definitely more than just drunk. Slurring his speech and lots of inappropriate silence. Ooo, then the creepy guy with the mask and the drunk guy who's high start to fight! Umm, hey producers, why is it up to Ashley to try to wake up the guy who's passed out on Xanax and snoring so loud he's probably waking up Prince William and Princess Kate??

Ryan the solar guy gets the first impression rose. Prediction: he wins the show.

Rose Ceremony: Ashley says she will miss everyone she lets go of tonight. Really? You've known them for 3 hours or so. I think when you say, 'I'll miss you guys,' you mean, 'I'll never think of you again.' But whatever. Either way.

Boston Downtime

2011-05-21T15:17:00.000-05:00

Zoe always hated how long it took to for her manicure to dry, but she always used the time wisely...

Clowns with knives

2011-05-19T17:26:00.000-05:00

Today at school we were talking about how to spell fierce, and the difference between 'fear' and 'fierce.' Silly Willy comes through for me again with some good blog material in the form of a conversation.

Silly Willy: Hey, Miss FabuLeslie, what's your greatest fear?
Me: What? [I don't know why I always ask them to repeat themselves. I guess I am constantly flabbergasted that they actually say these things. I mean, what 7-year-old talks like that?]
Silly Willy: Yes! Your greatest fear!! What is it!??
Other kids: Yeah, what is it? What's your greatest fear?
Me: Ummm.... [wheels turning...]
Silly Willy: C'mon! What is it??

Me: Well, I guess my greatest fear right now is that my scholars will not be ready to read second grade stories. I guess my fear would be that second grade comes, and y'all aren't ready for it. But I know that won't happen, because you've worked very hard all year on becoming better readers, and you will keep working hard until the last day of school, and even over the summer--
Silly Willy: My greatest fear is clowns with knives!

Buy shoes --or-- Balsamic Vinegar?

2011-05-15T15:59:00.000-05:00

So, I was grocery shopping this morning. I was proud of myself. My budget was $105. The bill ended up being $103.43. I'm thinking I should go on The Price is Right. Wait. Is that show still on? I think Drew Carey was hosting it at some point, but is that still happening?

Anyway, while I was shopping, on the top shelf I saw these 3.5 oz. bottles of balsamic vinegar, and I wondered if there are similar displays in grocery stores around the country, or if Central Market is just an extravagant place to shop.... 3.5 ounces!

I mean, seriously. Who is buying these teeny tiny bottles of balsamic vinegar for $150??? Who? I want to meet that guy. And I think I may want him to cook for me. But, based on my recent dating fiascos, I'm pretty sure he's not on eHarmony. (More on that later.)

Live Nude Fish

2011-05-14T10:37:00.000-05:00

Every day on my way to work, I pass this place. Rumor has it they 'sell stripper poles' and have girls there to 'demonstrate' how to use them:

Right after I pass that place, I see this place:

Guess business is tough out there. Gotta keep up with the Jonses.

That chick's naked on my picnic table!

2011-05-11T16:24:00.001-05:00

Uhh, hey Neighbor? I know it's finally May, and you're excited about getting out there to give yourself the gift of Melanoma as soon as possible, and I know you have towels down under you and all, but, uhh, that whole sunbathing-on-the-picnic-table thing still seems a little unsanitary to me. And a little 1979. And maybe mildly uncomfortable to you? Ok. Just checking.

Happy Mother's Day! and it's ok to say the f-word...

2011-05-08T06:59:00.001-05:00

"Hey, I'm tired of looking at PEE every day!" That's what a friend said to me recently when she was asking me to update the blog. It's been a whole month since I've posted anything! I know. No good. I just haven't been very inspired lately. I think I'm ready to write again, but I'm starting off today with a re-post for my mom.... Enjoy!

My mom is the best mom ever.
I know everyone says that, and everyone believes it about their mom as much as I do about my mom, but I have proof today that when I say it, it's actually true. This is a quilt she made me for my college graduation. It features pictures from my life until that point.

It is one of my only prized possessions.

Here I am with my sisters:

(Wonder Woman rocks. And P.S. Mom also made those homemade "underoos" for us!)

Here I am going to prom.

(I'm the one in white in the middle.)

And here I am in all my curly-haired, Shirley-Temple-headed glory on a swing my dad made for me.

And that quilt isn't even the best thing she's given me.

She's given me a good role model of what a mother, wife, good citizen, teacher, and caregiver should be. She's taught me the value of empathy and strength when they combine. She's taught me that it's ok to say the F-word if it's to protect yourself or someone you love from a real threat. That the most important thing in life is family. And finding out what brings you happiness. And experiencing love even if it means you might get hurt.

She taught me that I am the smartest and most beautiful person in the world (along with my sisters).

There are so many more things she and my dad have taught me. So many more pictures that mean the world to me, and a story behind every one that I could sit and talk about for hours. But as I took pics of these pics that make up this patchwork of my wonder years, I felt an overwhelming sense of privacy wash over me about my memories. They are so fond. So rich. My life has been so charmed, and so full (of pleasure and pain). I almost feel like it's bragging to show them all.

And plus, what will be left for me to share with my husband, whom I have yet to meet, if I write it all here?

Mom, I love you so much! You and Dad have given me the moon. And this quilt. And way too much cash. But the infinite lessons about life and love are what really make you the best mom ever. I've told you this so many times before, but I am so glad and blessed to be able to tell you a little more publicly today, on this

Mother's Day.

Have a relaxing day of leisure, doing what makes your heart sing. I love you!

Only read this if you wanna be grossed out.

2011-04-06T19:02:00.004-05:00

Movey-Shakey-Dancy: Uh, Miss FabuLeslie, um, when I was in the bathroom, I accidentally dropped the hall pass in the toilet. On accident. It was an accident that it happened.
Me: [big sigh, deep breath, closed eyes] Ok. Come here with me. [getting a clothespin and my camera]
MSD: [follows me to the bathroom]
Me: [telling 2 boys to wait outside before they can come in] Go. Wait outside the door. [they stare blankly at me] Go.

Until this moment, in my mind, my hall pass is in a toilet that's just been flushed. As I look at it, I notice, well, that's not the case. That's not the case at all. Instead, it's in a pool of #1 with a little #2 for good measure.

Me: Oh! Oh, no. [gag]
MSD: [starts to mumble something about how he forgot to mention the worst part (#1 and #2) because.... but I can't hear him... I'm moving forward on the plan ASAP]
ME: Ok. MSD, take this clothespin, and your job is to get that outta there without touching anything. Go. [I walk away from the stall (?) because he needs privacy for this?]
MSD: [seconds pass]... OK! [more seconds] ... Got it!!
Me: [carrying the trash can toward him] Ok. Good. Put it in here.
MSD: [drops it in... still holding the clothespin]
Me: And the clip, too. Drop it. [kinda like he's Olive with a pecan shell in her mouth]
MSD: [drops it in]
Me: Ok. Now use 3 pumps of soap and scrub your hands really well.
MSD: [scrubs hands with lots of soap]
Me: Ok, good. C'mon. Let's go. [back to the classroom and on with the last few periods of the day]
Me: [nodding to boys waiting outside the bathroom as we pass them] Ok, boys. All clear.

Later, MSD approaches my desk while everyone is getting ready to go home.

MSD: [hugs me] Miss FabuLeslie, you're the best teacher ever! And that's why I wish you were my mom.
Me: [holding back tears] I'd be very lucky.

Believe it or not, that was not the worst part of my day. My day ended with me following an ambulance to the ER with one of my students in it. Don't ask. He's gonna be ok. I've realized that if I am ever blessed with kids of my own, there are many good reasons God made me wait. These experiences are priceless preparation.

Calendar teacher-hijinks

2011-04-01T16:52:00.001-05:00

This morning, a colleague told our kids April Fool's Day was changed to July 1st this year. They said, "you're just pulling an April Fool's Day joke!" She said, "No, it's true, check with the art teacher." One of my kids checked with him, and came back flabbergasted, announcing his confirmation to the class. Later I overhear a kid say, "Nuh-unh!! It's on July 1st now!! Weren't you listening?!" Best April Fool's prank EVER.

My Review of Womens Nike Plus Essentials Soft Hand Baselayer Short Sleeve Technical Tops

2011-03-31T22:31:00.001-05:00

Originally submitted at Road Runner Sports

Women's NIKE® PLUS ESSENTIALS SHORT SLEEVE :: Saying that it's difficult for plus sizes to find great workout clothing is the understatement of the century. Well, not anymore ladies! The women's Nike® Plus Essentials Short Sleeve workout tee will fit you perfectly and deliver ...

Stylish and comfy!

By The Accidental Runner from Austin, TX on 3/31/2011

Fit: Feels true to size

Pros: Comfortable, Moisture Wicking, Stylish, Lightweight

Best Uses: Gym, Running

Describe Yourself: Avid Athlete

Was this a gift?: No

I am a plus-sized runner and I got this shirt in a 1X. It fits perfectly! Not too tight, but not a balloon or trashbag look, either, like we so often must settle for in the plus size world. I wanted something that would look cute but also serve the quality tech-shirt purpose of wicking sweat away on my long runs. I'm training for a half marathon now and this is my go-to shirt when I want short sleeves. The fabric is light, and much softer than other tech shirts. The vented sides are functional and add a nice detail. Thank you, Nike, for making cute plus size technical clothes, and thank you, road runner, for carrying this. Please find more items like it for us so we can look cute too!

(legalese)

10k: check!

2011-03-27T16:19:00.001-05:00

In the morning before leaving the hosue.

The Capitol 10k? The largest 10k in Texas? Yeah. I ran that today. Without walking. In an hour and 35 minutes. I finished in 9,645th place. That's right. Some people would look at that and think, Man, lots of people finished before you. But you know what I think? I think about the fact that 355 people registered for the timed race and crossed that finish line after I did.

(I had to pixelate because facial recognition technology kinda freaks me out.)

OCD much?

2011-03-26T14:31:00.000-05:00

Race day is tomorrow. Yesterday I started obsessively checking the hourly weather forecast for the zip code of the race on weather.com AND accuweather.com. You know, because one of those sites, and Jim Spencer, could both be wrong.

This morning I went out with my running group for a 20 minute "shake-out run" to shake out the nerves, expend some energy, and gain confidence to remember I'm ready for the big day.

Then I came home and did laundry so I don't have to go up and down stairs tomorrow after the race --I do have to go to work on Sunday, you know.

Then, I laid out everything I'll need tomorrow. And suddenly, there, staring back at me, was the true extent of my obsessive nature. My desire to make everything 'just right' in order to calm anxiety when I feel it. I mean, do I need someone to come throw baby dolls at my car as I'm driving in a parking lot, or convince me to lick a toilet seat? At that point it became apparent, even to me, that I may have a problem. Is this normal? I thought to myself.

And then I thought, Wait! I forgot to put the 20 dollar bill in the pocket! So I went to get that, and saw my driver's license in my wallet and wondered, Will I be going out again today? Because if not, I should really put my ID in there now, too.

How Microsoft is quietly destroying my mental health.

2011-03-25T17:45:00.000-05:00

Dear Microsoft,
Just a quick note to say that perhaps my email box wouldn't be quite so full if you would stop sending me email to tell me my email box is full.
Thanks!
Fabuleslie

Tomatoes and cucumbers and lettuce, ohmy!

2011-03-22T22:27:00.000-05:00

And now, the condo garden(s).

The herb garden...

And the Vegetable Garden...

Ok, new policy: If you're against vegetable gardens, you're against me!

2011-03-21T19:52:00.000-05:00

(These screenshots are microscopic, but I think if you click on them, you can see the full size and you can actually read them.)

Cheeseboy did a post on his Facebook status updates the other day, and it was funny stuff. You should really check out his blog if you haven't already.

Anyway, here's one of my status updates from Spring Break. I had to cool down before writing about it here.

I am on my condo HOA board. The following is an actual email I sent to the other 2 members of the board, thinking we could go ahead and start planting our vegetable garden, and figure out the details later.

But then, I get this response from one of the members:

What? I was shocked. I seriously thought they'd both email back and say, sure, go ahead. We'll meet to hash out the details in the next week or two. But no. Well, I figured, no problem. You can be a scrooge, but we'll just get a yes from the other board member and that will be 2 against 1, and we'll start planting soon. But then, I got this email from the OTHER board member:

Again, if you click on the emails, you should be able to see a bigger version of them.

Anyway, all this happened over spring break, and I was just beside myself! Shocked that anyone would have any objections to a vegetable garden, let alone 4 objections!! And then to have the other person ask for a proposal??!?! Well. I had just had it. Luckily, the neighbor who was with me on this was much more calm and reasonable, and just put together a quick proposal which was quite amazing compared to what I could have created in a day...

...I mean, thank goodness for people whose strengths are the opposite of mine!! She did such a great job!

I wanted to send an email back, addressing the 4 objections the first board member outlined, but the only things I could come up with were as follows:
1) F**k you.
2) Why do you hate the our planet so much?
3) Who pissed in your corn flakes today, and why do you want to piss on our bliss? Just because you can? Because I suspect it's just because you can. Or is it because you're studying law? Yeah, maybe that's it. Either way, go suck an egg.
4) Seriously?? Are you serious???
5) Are you for real? Nah, I get it. That's funny. You've always been such a jokester! Really, though, we're gonna plant tomorrow, k?
6) Well, personally, I have no problem with your haircut and the way you dress, but I don't think the HOA should allow an HOA president to dress like that or have a haircut like that for several reasons...
7) Seriously?? Are you really being serious with these objections??? It's a vegetable garden, for God's sake! Not a giant anaconda! Seriously. Are you effing kidding me?

Well, luckily, I just sat and sat and sat for days on the matter and never sent an email back. Instead, I let cooler heads prevail, and she did such a great job with the proposal that the board member who asked for the proposal said she thinks it's a great idea, and the other one... well, now he's inclined to agree.

(We have started planting and it's looking beautiful! Will post pics of the garden(s) soon. Perhaps tomorrow.)

99 problems but a shoe ain't one...

2011-03-20T09:03:00.000-05:00

Orthaheel Tide purchased at Footsmart.com*

Y'all, I spent $60 on a pair of flip-flops. Seriously. Ok, not $60. Just $59.99, with free shipping. And not just any flip-flops, but the Orthaheel Tide*. Still, I would be lying if I said I didn't feel a little guilty and decadent about that. But here's the thing: I'm a runner now. And not just a runner, but an overweight, aging runner. And I need to take care of my body and joints if I want to keep running. And I do. I really, really, really want to keep running for a long time. These flip-flops are really good ones, with superb arch support, which is what I need to help avoid the plantar fasciitis that has been plaguing me lately. I got these great shoes at Footsmart.com*, which has all kinds of shoes and products to help with any body problems you have (back, neck, feet, knees, etc...).

4 Pairs of Mizuno Inspire 6's, and one pair of Men's Mizuno Elixirs

Ok, here's my other problem. No one is coming into my store to buy shoes. Ok. That's not really my problem. I don't have a store. But I do have 4 pairs of the same shoe, and one other pair of the same brand (the black pair is an ill-advised pair of men's Mizunos that I thought could substitute for my Inspires, but I was wrong).

See, I fell in love with the Mizuno Wave Inspire 6's*, which were my first pair of running shoes, purchased in July, 2010. When it was time to replace them, I thought, oooo, yay! I get to buy a better pair of running shoes now (read: more expensive)! I proceeded to try on the new Mizuno Wave Inspire 7's*, and wasn't feelin' the love like I did for the 6's. I tried a hundred other pairs from Mizuno* and then other brands... No dice. Nothing felt like I wasn't wearing shoes. The Inspire 6's felt like nothing on my feet, which is what they say you should look for when you're choosing a good running shoe. The one that makes you forget you have anything on your feet is the one you want.

When it was clear that these are the best shoes I can find, and I'll have to try again next season to find a different pair to love, I facebooked (that is a verb, right?) my cousin who works at Road Runner Sports* and asked him what else I should try. He named a few, I tried them, no go.

So, I became obsessed with finding the old model of these shoes before they all disappeared. I was like Charlie Sheen looking for a hooker and a good game of Texas Hold 'em. Or Spongebob Squarepants looking for Squidward when he's avoiding him. That's when I found runningwarehouse.com*, where they not only sell these shoes, but they deliver them to your door with free 2-day shipping! And they have TONS of other running gear and clothes, too! So I bought one pair at about $58 (about half of what I paid for my first pair). Then my cousin sent me a pair for my birthday. I was stalking runningwarehouse.com and when they got down to $51, I bought another pair, and then I cut myself off. Like someone on Intervention, which airs its season finale on March 21. Oooo, did you hear that there's a new show starting on A&E called Relapse?? I can't wait! Ok. Sorry, I got distracted, but you know how I love my tv.

Shoe punchline here.

*No retailers or manufacturers in this post have ever heard of me. But I love them and recommend them anyway. (Pssst, Mizuno, footsmart, runningwarehouse, roadrunnersports: Call me.)

It's like an episode of Hoarders up in here.

2011-03-18T16:46:00.000-05:00

Well, Spring Break is almost over, and I have mixed feelings. On one hand, I have to go back to work. On the other hand, I get to go back to work. We're starting our swimming program on the first day back! My first graders will be swimming at the YMCA, M-Th for 2 weeks! Last year it was so fun, and this year promises to be so as well. I can't wait to tell you all about the silly shenanigans that happen on our 8 field trips over the next 2 weeks!

Meanwhile, as Spring Break is ending, and I am realizing I have nothing to show for it --except maybe 2 sore knees and some fond memories of visits with friends-- I am remembering all the ambitious goals I had of purging and organizing my teeny tiny condo. Well, today, I've accomplished that task for one small area... the bathroom sink. I got a handy little tiered lazy susan for half-price at Kohls in the kitchen section and decided it would be perfect for my bathroom. And it is!

Behold my very own personal episode of Hoarders (minus the 1-800-gotjunk team, the hissyfits, and the dead cats and possums):

Before

After

Ahh, now that's better. Hope you have a cleansing weekend!

Teachers are Spoiled, Greedy Villians with Lavish Lifestyles

2011-03-17T11:07:00.001-05:00

Today I was a little gun shy about running because when I ran Tuesday evening my knees hurt for the first time since I injured one in October. Also, I woke up feeling dehydrated and tired, but I wanted to get out there before the sun came up because it was already 65 degrees about about 80% humidity. My foot has been hurting from plantar fasciitis that I thought had resolved, but I guess I hadn't been vigilant enough, and on my rest day (yesterday), it came back with a vengeance. That's what skipping your stretching and rolling routines on your 2 days off'll getcha.

I started out with Olive for the first mile. That was unpleasant because she was jerking the leash toward every squirrel and bird she saw, and I was using a LOT of valuable energy to keep good form. That first mile took 19 minutes! My knees were tender and it just wasn't fun. Then I dropped her off at home and went back out.

The second mile started much like the first with achey joints and voices in my head telling me it's too hard. Then, I hit that rhythm. I started belly breathing with one breath in for 3 footstrikes, and one breath out for 3. I focused on engaging my abs to protect my back, relaxing my shoulders, and standing up straight. Suddenly, the discomfort in my knees disappeared. My foot still hurt a little, but not nearly as much as before.

I settled in and started feeling good. After the second mile I realized I still had about 6 minutes left, so I decided to just enjoy the ride and see how far my body would go. I wanted to speed up a little, but I wanted more badly to stay injury free, so I tried to relax and just be in the moment. I lost the belly breathing cadence for a while, but then for the last 5 minutes I was going strong with it. Three strides in, three strides out. It felt heavenly. Meditative. And I had no running buddies, no ipods, no dog. It was just me and that road in the neighborhood I have grown to adore over the years. And my fears and hopes and insecurities and dreams. There was no traffic even when our city has been invaded by 37,000 screaming music and film lovers from around the world who willingly pump about 100 million dollars into our economy. Here I was --highly sensitive me, who has been coping with that frenetic energy of South by Southwest all week-- insulated, safe, connecting with the earth and my own body that I've neglected and abused for so long. The breeze felt soothing and the cloud cover was a cool, protective shield. Oh, and I didn't stop once to walk. What a wonderful run!

Sweaty Circle of Health and Wellbeing

After the run, I was able to see not the Sweaty Triangle of Doom, or its cousin, the Sweaty Ring of Fire, but its other cousin, the Sweaty Circle of Health and Wellbeing. When I got back home to stretch, roll, and map my run, I learned that I did 2.65 miles in that 40 minutes. Not a good time at all, but what do I care? This run was about so much more than time. I also checked my training schedule and found that since we're tapering this week, I was supposed to have done 35 minutes instead of 40. It's ok. Not only did I stretch and roll as I should, but in a few hours I will be calmly and peacefully lying on my sister's massage table, letting her work out even more of the toxicity that daily life shovels into my body.

You know, it's days like today, and this day that make me think maybe that episode of Teacher Cribs on the Daily Show was right on (starts at 2-minute mark in this clip). Maybe we teachers are spoiled, greedy villians with lavish lifestyles.

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart

Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c

Crisis in Dairyland - Apocalypse Cow

www.thedailyshow.com

Daily Show Full Episodes

Political Humor & Satire Blog

The Daily Show on Facebook

Happy Spring Break! Oh, and Happy St. Patrick's Day too!

There's a new Bachelorette in town.

2011-03-15T12:39:00.000-05:00

Ok, another post today is almost too much, but I must tell you that the new Bachelorette will be Ashley Hebert (pronounced ay-bair)! I had predicted differently, but I think Ashley H. is funny and spunky and I guess they think she'll be lots o' fun. Can't wait. Here she is being sworn in as the new Bachelorette on Jimmy Kimmel Live... Enjoy!

Why I will marry someone who yells at me... or Eff you, I'm pretty too!

2011-03-15T11:13:00.000-05:00

Ok, Georgina Dollface asked me to review the After the Final Rose show. Oddly, it happened right after the Final Rose show last night. But I couldn't do it. I was tired and wanted to eat a bowl of cereal, watch the show, and go to bed. So that's what I did.

Image via iStockphoto

Today, I've decided to give you my impressions* of what people said on that show.

First, Chris Harrison goads Chantal into asking Brad any questions she may have:
Why didn't you choose me? Why did you keep me around if you weren't gonna choose me? whannh whannh whannh. Why did you like her better than me? boo hoo. I wanted you to choose me! Oh, yeah, that's right, I have a boyfriend now, so there.

And here's what Brad said to Chantal:
I kept you around first because you're super fun and we click like no one I've ever clicked with before, and really I should have chosen you but I was blinded by Emily's beauty and poise. Then I kept you around because you were willing to put out in the fantasy suite. Then when Ashely chose to leave, I kept you around because Ashley chose to leave. I chose Emily because I had stronger feelings for her. And by that I mean I think she is prettier than you. (Author's note: Emily is not prettier than Chantal. Chantal is a beautiful woman, and her personality made her even more gorgeous! I think men are hardwired in ways that keep them from seeing some things accurately, and I believe this is an example of that.)

And here's my impression of Emily and Brad together:
I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. But you have a temper and I'm still pissed you made out and shared the fantasy suite with all those girls. I love you. I love you, too. Yeah, but if you were really in love with me so early in the show, you should have puked when those girls tried to touch you, and you should have spat in their faces when they said they loved you. I love you. I love you, too, Babe. Oh yeah?? Well, YOU, sweet little Emily, can be a real bitch. So, don't try to play all nicey-nice here and pretend you're all peaches and cream. Because you are not. You gave me hell every Monday night since we've been together, and all I was doing was honoring my contractual obligations to be on the show through the end, no matter how early I fell in love. And, I mean, come ON. Chantal was a barrel of laughs. How could I not have kept her around?? I am flesh and blood. Unlike you. Robot.

Now here's the couples who met on the Bachelor and are married or going to be married:
You can do it, just ignore the whole world and you'll be fine. You just have to be in your little "bubble" and forget everyone else and remember your family loves you. Because your family loving you is what makes a relationship work. (?) Oh, and you have to also just be sure one of you will do what the other one wants every time, no matter what. That's the secret to making it work under this big microscope.

Chris Harrison:
America really wants this to work, so please don't screw it up. We need a big tv wedding from you to pay my salary for smiling and saying, "Ladies, this is the final rose tonight," and almost nothing else. We wanted you to get married tonight, but you refused, and that's not really ok with me unless you have a very good reason. What is your reason?.... ... ..... ... Oh. You fight like cats and dogs? Mix like oil and water? Oh. ok... ... ... ... Well, will you get married soon? And let us put it on tv? Because in your contract it says that if you marry someone you met on the show, you have to give us a tv ceremony, I'm pretty sure. I mean, you can have your lawyers look at it and all first, but I'm pretty sure that's what it says. So give me a call when you're getting married so we can make a show out of it.

*Yeah, I'm paraphrasing here. And sometimes I'm saying things that weren't actually said, but implied.

The Final Insult, er.... Rose

2011-03-14T20:58:00.006-05:00

Last week, Saimi from Archie and Family asked who I think Brad would choose. I cannot say. If I were him I'd most definitely choose Chantal, but since he's a man, he'll probably choose Emily. That's my prediction. Let me say I am writing this AS I WATCH. Now, here we go...

Photo via iStockphot

Awww, he cries when he sees his family. That's the sensitive Brad we know and love. He seriously can't get a hold of himself! Cute. I like how he says that seeing them "brought tears to [his] eyes," when really, what he means is, seeing them "made him start bawling." Kinda 2 different things, man. But it's ok. We like the emotion, you Senstive re-Bachelor.

The girls are gonna meet his family today. Chantal is first. At one point she says, "...I would rather be alone than be with someone just to be with someone...." One of the many reasons that my choice would be Chantal. Mom seems smitten with Chantal, and they have a lovefest on the couch, calling each other fabulous. And his mom says she hopes he proposes to her, and that she is a good catch.

Umm, we interrupt this Bachelor finale to show you some weird alien/Mayan Kia commercial. Weird.

And now, Emily-Peaches and Cream-Maynard! When the family asks about Emily's hometown visit, she defers to Brad to tell the story of who her family is. Hahahah! I'm sorry but I laughed out loud at Brad's reaction when his brother asks how Emily's daughter's father would react if she and her daughter moved to Austin. "Uhh,... uhhhh, .... maybe another.... ok...." Then Em steps up and tells her horrific story of losing her fiance once again. Predictably, not a dry eye in the house. Then his mom cries again when she talks about how Emily said Brad is her angel.

When Brad is talking to his mom, and his mom says he can't keep his hands off her, did anyone else think she was talking about Chantal? But they edited it to sound like she was talking about Emily.

Aaaaand, we have a 'no doubt about it'! Brad says, "If my mother could choose a woman for me, no doubt about it, she'd choose someone just like Emily."

Ok, now they've both met the family and it's only been 30 minutes of show. Now what? We have to watch 2 more dates?? Tedious. Just tell us who gets the rose already!!

Umm, odd choice of programming for your commercial, Spirit 105.9...

...I mean, there are hoochies around every corner, and last week there was a fantasy suite where people did unspeakable things behind closed doors. Just doesn't seem like the kind of TV that your audience would enjoy.

Ok, now I'm thinking they're trying to make us think he's going to choose Emily because he's actually gonna choose Chantal. It's true! He can't keep his hands off her. He tells her they're going swimming with the sharks, she freaks out, and he hugs her. Then they swim with sharks. Then, "Today was all about death-defying adventure. No doubt about it." Woohooo! That's 2 NDAIs. Kinda like NSAIDs, but no drugs. Awww, then, after several "Babes" from each of them to one another, Chantal gives him his gift, which is a map of the world, and all the things they've done in all the places they've been and a letter expressing her love for him. Oh, I kinda think now maybe it'll be her. Oh man, it should be! But maybe it won't be. Bummer. We'll see. Man, that girl is all in!

Umm, Insidious is Insidious? Whaaa?

"My family chose Emily. No doubt about it, but I'm still exploring my feelings. I just am." Do you have your scorecard out? That's 3 NDAIs! Woohoo! Ok, now I'm starting to think he's gonna choose Chantal. But maybe they just want me to think that and he's really gonna choose Emily. Ugh. This is so exhausting! And exciting! Up. She got a "Babe" from him too. Then she reminds him how much it sucks to have a kid. Um, Em, you're not doing a great job selling yourself here. Then he comes over to talk to her again to assure her that he wants to be a father to Emily's girl, Ricki. And she says again, "It's not always fun... what does being a father mean to you... I wanna make sure there are no surprises... It's not always fun..." Did you catch that she said, "It's not always fun," twice? Then she asks if he's getting mad, and he says he's getting there. Man, she's pulling an Ashley S. on us? Sabotaging this for herself? He is visibly annoyed that she is questioning his intentions. He starts sweating so much he has to wipe his face off. And he asks if she's ready to let someone in to her life. Wow. I guess he still really wants to choose her, but he's trying to feel ok about choosing her, but they are having a weird argument. Why is he wanting to choose her?? I don't understand men. Emily says she's the happiest she's been in a long time. Really? You have such a strange way of showing it.

Ohmy. Those rings! As Brad said, they are "breathtaking." But he didn't say no doubt about it. Hmmm. Now I'm kinda doubting if they are breathtaking or not.

Wow. His suit is shiny! And I love how they have the angel/devil thing going here with the blonde in the white dress and the brunette in the black one. Ohgeez. Now I'm thinking he's gonna choose Emily. eek! The limos are in motion. Here we go!

Really, Spirit 105.9? Again? Still weird.

Mmmmm. Papa Johns. I wish I could order a pizza. But it's nearly 9:00. I'm pretty sure that's illegal or something.

~~~~~SPOILER ALERT~~~~~

Chris Harrison lets Chantal out of the limo first, and it's like a lamb going to slaughter. OHman, I'm gonna be sick. So sad. He asks if she's ok. Umm, yeah, until you break my heart!! I wonder when she knows it's not her. She's furrowing her brow. I think she knows. He goes on and on about their relationship and how it's grown and all the things she loves about him. Then he says she's someone he's looked for for a very long time. Then that he has stronger feelings for someone else. Awww. She's really crying now. So sad. I hate this part of the show. Oh, just stop talking already and let her go home!! She's so dignified. My blubbering mess of a face would have been so much more embarrassing. Great job, Channy (as he called her on his way out of her hotel room)! You'll find someone. No doubt about it.

Ohmygoodness! After the Final Rose is after this??!!? I forgot! I may have to do a second post. Yikes!

And now the cat food commercial where the guy builds a cat room and puts a "will you marry us" tag on the kitten for the cat lady. Umm, really? Let's face it. This commercial is insulting to all those single women out there who have cats, love them, and fantasize about finding a man. I'm pretty sure that guy is not the one they are fantasizing about. Just sayin.

Ok, yeah, it's Emily. Blahblahblah. I don't have anything to say except I will never. Understand. Men.

I'm too sexy for my socks.

2011-03-13T20:39:00.000-05:00

Ok. I have news. I'm not writing about Celebrity Apprentice, or any other shows until I have something I cannot NOT write about because it provokes me so much. I started to watch Celeb Apprentice tonight and realized I was not wanting to do that. So I watched Sister Wives. And I still don't have anything to say to you about it, so I'm not gonna force it. The reason I started writing about the Bachelor is because I felt like I had so much to say and just had to get it out there. I'm sure the same will be true with Bachelor Pad, but I'm not sure if it will happen with my fave shows like Sober House, or Celebrity Rehab. Or even random shows like Sister Wives. So there.

Now on to more important things. I ran 6 miles yesterday! That's the farthest I've ever run before, and I am so proud to say that I ran the first 3 miles without walking. The 6 miles took an hour and 40 minutes. I did walk a few times for 2-3 minutes during the last 3 miles, once after I conquered a big hill, and the other times mostly in the last 2 miles. Overall, this is much less walking than I've been doing in my long runs lately. The race I'm running in 14 days is 6.2 miles, so now I know I can do it, because now I've done it before. My goal is to run the race without walking, as I did for my first 5k last year, but I'm still not sure if I'll be able to accomplish that or not. We'll see, but I am hopeful I can do it since I'll be training for the next 2 weeks.

Yesterday after my run, I met my bestie for breakfast tacos, and then I went home. I found that my knees and my heel were a little tender, so I put on my compression socks. And my ice packs. And I sat on the couch at watched TV. And it occurred to me that I should check my eHarmony account. I wonder why no one is dating me right now....

Fangaliciousness+Kermit the Frog=zzzzzz

2011-03-07T21:12:00.000-06:00

Brad's take on some of the most memorable moments of the season:
The slap on the face from Chantal the moment they first met.
Ashley H. at the carnival. Best first date ever, according to Brad.
Vampire Girl: Madison. Fangaliciousness.
Embalming talk at dinner with Shawntel.
Michelle. Need I say more?

Begin promo for Bachelor Pad. Did you know there's an entire Bachelor Nation of over 500 strong? Well, there is. Chris Harrison said so. And he also some of them will be on Bachelor Pad this summer.

Oh, I think I once said Brad the re-Bachelor sounded like Kermit the Frog. This promo for Bachelor Pad reminds me that I'm wrong about that. He does have something weird going on with his voice, but it's not Kasey-wrong. Kasey was on Ali's season? And he sounded like Kermit the Frog. Seriously. You remember. The one who was just trying to guard and protect her heart? And got a tattoo to show Ali how serious he was about her. And when he opened his mouth, his voice was very... Kermit-y.

Ok. As they re-introduce the cast off women, I wonder a few things. First, who spells Rachel, "Raichel"?? And what exactly is an "apparel merchant"? Is that different from a retail sales associate? Sounds like a some kind of euphemism to me.

Oh wait! Quote time!!
"I will not have you, like, obstruct the rest of my life." -Raichel to Melissa during a fight about Brad
"The sooner they kill each other off, the easier it's gonna be for me to end up with Brad." -Chantal about Raichel and Melissa's fights
"Who just wakes up with a black eye?" -Michelle, on how she, herself, woke up with a black eye
"You're like creepy, and, like, everybody's afraid of you..." -Jackie, on Michelle's personality
"...'cause I wanna dig into this a little bit..." -Chris Harrison, on exploring the fight between Raichel and Melissa
"Brad didn't want to be with you because you acted a fool!" -Jackie on why Raichel went home
"...the moral of the story is: do not act like that in front of a guy..." -Ashley S.

Now, let the waterworks begin. The girls express their hurt over the things Michelle said to the camera that they didn't know about, and Michelle starts to cry. So fake! Then she whines and cries about leaving her daughter to do the show. Remember how, in the 90s, we used to put our thumbs together to make a v, and then put up our 2 index fingers to make the thumbs into a w for "Whaaanh"? Well, that's what I find myself saying to Michelle right now. She expresses regret, saying, "I shouldn't have left my daughter..."
---crickets--- for like 2 minutes---
The girls don't buy it. Stacey starts railing into Michelle while she's crying about leaving her daughter for the show, putting her daughter first, and things she could have done better if she had been thinking about her daughter. Michelle is sobbing, gasping for breath in a very theatrical way, and Chris Harrison --presumably to earn his keep-- scolds Stacey like she's in his first grade class and she is twirling someone's underwear around up in the air while screaming and taunting them to try to get it back from her. A few girls stick up for her, saying she's hilarious, beautiful, sarcastic, and funny. Aw. Genuine moment. Group hug? No? Ok.

Kelly Rippa just tried to sell me Electrolux appliances. Really? This is the target audience for these appliances? Something tells me they're off by about, oh, I don't know, 1 husband, and $150,000/year. I currently have a broken dishwasher, and a budget to replace it of approximately, umm, about $0. Doesn't seem quite like Electrolux is my brand.

Ashley S. cries in the hotseat with Chris Harrison. She's my prediction for the next Bachelorette. She's got the southern accent, and the dreamy eyes. Oh, and she looks kinda like Tenley. With less hypnotic headshots.

Unless the new Bachelorette is Ashley H. Although, in the hotseat with Chris Harrison, she's kind of a snoozefest. Nothing to report here.

Ohmygod, is this show still on? I tell you what: watching it live is a little more tedious some nights than others. At least when Celebrity Rehab starts, I can watch it on TiVo and speed through the commercials. Maybe I'll start writing up Celebrity Apprentice on Mondays instead of Sundays, so I can fast forward too. Or, fast "foe-ward," as Ashley H. would say.

Our re-Bachelor makes an appearance, saying he's so happy with the woman he chose (who we will get to see next week), but all too happy to hug Ashley H. a little too long. I wonder how Emily or Chantal feels about that. I really think he should pick Chantal, but I think he'll pick Emily. I guess we'll see next week.

P.S. Dear Melinda, from Banter, Buffoonery, and Bloggy Blather, I like that you have to chant to yourself about not watching shows I'm blogging about. Your comment on my last post made me laugh. Can you please send an open letter to ABC, CBS, NBC, FOX, A&E, and Bravo explaining to them how hard it is to resist watching a show I write about? Thanks a bunch. xoxo

P.S.S. Dear Shelley, from Sparkling in Random Places (a blog name for which I am partially responsible), I can't wait to run a half marathon with you in December and talk for hours, literally, about all the crazy tv shows we both watch! Enjoyed reading about your latest run on your blog the other day.

Bully vs. Lunkhead & Mr. Delicate

2011-03-06T22:13:00.000-06:00

As promised, I'm writing about Celebrity Apprentice, even if it means I'm up past my bedtime (and I am).
Here's our crazy good lineup:
David Cassidy
John Rich
Mark McGrath
Richard Hatch
Jose Canseco
Lil Jon
Meatloaf
Gary Busey
Marlee Matlin
Hope Dworaczak
Dionne Warwick
Star Jones
Lisa Rinna
Nene Leakes
Niki Taylor
LaToya Jackson

Of course, Donald Trump is our self-proclaimed "ringmaster" in all this.

One quick question before we start: Who the hell is John Rich?

They break into 2 teams: Men vs. Women. Their first task? To come up with team names and leaders. The women choose ASAP as their team name, which stands for Artists, Singers, Authors, and Professionals with a Purpose. Lisa Rinna didn't like it but, she said, "...the sisters were strong on this name. They wanted this name..." Um, who are the sisters? Is Star Jones a sister? Because she basically gets forced to be the project manager. And how about Latoya Jackson? She falls all over the acronym of a team name when Trump asks her about it... "Actors, Singers, Artists, Performers... Artists, Singers, Actors... no Artists, Singers, Authors, Performers,... No I'm sorry..." Ugh. I'm exhausted already.

The men choose "Backbone," and elect Richard Hatch, the first Survivor, as their fearless leader. When I see Backbone on the door, I can only think of my chiropractor. That's the name of her practice.

Richard Hatch is barking orders and manhandling David Cassidy like he thinks he's a David Cassidy action figure instead of an actual person. Is Richard threatened by David because they're both gay men, and he sees himself in him? Wait. Are they both gay men? I've lost track over the years.

They have to sell pizzas for charity. Why on earth did they choose Dionne Warwick to run the register?? How old is she? Like 90? I mean, she's obviously a legend, but to be fair, she's a legend that has been around for ever. She was working so hard to find each little button and swipe the cards, it was comical. And then Star gets on her back to do it faster. Jeez! Give her a break! Or a different task!! Maybe someone just should have told her to get it done ASAP! (Sorry. Couldn't help myself.)

Poor David Cassidy makes some pathetic calls to try to bring in some funds on his behalf because the rest of the team was bringing in the cash! He's smoking and asking his daughter to come down from the set of Gossip Girl. She comes and donates $1,000. The desperation was a little sad.

Umm, hey Lil Jon, do me a favor. When you're handling my pizzas, and yelling something about a "hot delivery comin' through..." please don't handle your package too. It's kinda gross.

Lisa and Star have a showdown in the boardroom in front of everyone. Star said it was Lisa's fault they didn't get the pizzas to the firehouse in time, and Lisa said it was because of traffic and bad timing.

In the middle of the board meeting, Gary's cell phone rings, Trump jokes that he's fired, and Marlee says that she didn't hear it. Giggles and laughs ensue. Gary stands in stunned silence when asked what their team could have done better. It must have been a full 2 minutes of blinking. Then he says what they could have done better is what they did. Whaaa? Everyone looks around and Trump decides to move on. Good choice, Mr. T. They don't give you the big bucks for nothin'.

Next, Jose and Richard then have their own little showdown. Jose calls him out about how he manhandled little David Cassidy. Calls him a bully, and the whole team agrees. They're right. He's a jerk. Same as he was on Survivor. Oooo! Then Jose calls Richard a "...damn liar!" and Richard's response is basically to call Jose stupid.

~~~~~~SPOILER ALERT~~~~~~~

The men raised $54,104 and the women raised $115,268 for the American Heart Association.

Oooo. It's been a while since I watched the Apprentice. I didn't know the winning team gets to watch the board meetings on closed circuit television from their room! That's a new twist. I like it.

Known fact: Jose would "like to knock the crap outta Richard." Trump posits it and Jose confirms it.

What?? Richard calls David a little person!! And emotionally delicate!! Oh no he di-int!!! Richard and Mr. T both said David was whining, but we never saw any whining on the show at all. Then Trump's son attacked David by saying he doesn't have the right energy. Uh, yeah, I guess if the right energy is aggressive, bullying, mean, disrespectful, and rude, then no, David doesn't have that energy.

Blahblah blah... then David gets fired. Unfairly, in my opinion. Richard's a jerk, and they just want to keep him to see more fireworks. Such is reality tv. We'll always love you, David Cassidy. And hey, at least you got a plug in for your daughter, right? Right. And knowing the kind of person you are, that's more important to you anyway. Good man.

It'll be CRAZY good.

2011-03-06T20:08:00.001-06:00

A few weeks ago --February 8, to be precise-- So-So Stephanie left the following comment on one of my re-Bachelor posts:

"...and finally, could you please start watching another show I watch? I thought about your recap the WHOLE time I watched last night. I almost wanted to read it BEFORE I saw the show. Can you be psychic, please?"

I must admit I've thought about this sweet comment more than once since she left it. So today, I've decided to respond. What follows is an open letter to So-So Stephanie:

Dear So-So Stephanie,
I love your blog. Sorry I don't come read it very often anymore. It's not you, it's me. Well, it's not me, it's running. It's taken over as my fave hobby and blogging has fallen to a close second. That means I can't do both without cutting into my ~~tv time~~ ~~lazy lounging time~~ reading educational journals time. So please know you are on my short list of faves, and when I have time to write more posts and read blogs again, I'll be back. Wait. You're preggo, aren't you?? I bet you're ready to pop that baby out any day now, and you have no idea what's going on in the real world, because you're in the world of sugar and spice and everything nice, or snips and snails and puppy dog tails! I better get over to your blog check things out to see how you and baby are doing. In the meantime, I have an answer to your above comment.

Thank you for offering me my dream job. I accept! My answer is YES! I will most certainly start watching other shows you watch, and write about them here. That's totally what I've always wanted to get paid to do in my life. Now, don't worry. I know you're probably thinking oh, $#!%! I didn't mean I was gonna pay her. This is awkward. Well, guess what? You can pay me in comments. And so can any other reader who would like to do so.

My next offering will be Celebrity Apprentice. I mean, how can I not sign up to write about that when the very network that airs the show is basically making fun of the show and the celebrities in it on their own promos!!? They're saying it will be "crazy good." Emphasis on the "crazy."

And in the past it's been good, but I mean, not crazy good. I've enjoyed NeNe's antics on Real Housewives, and Gary Busey's shenanigans on Celebrity Rehab (one of my most favorite shows of all-time!), so how can I resist seeing the hijinks that ensue when you add Lisa Rinna's lips and Latoya Jackson's special brand of lunacy to that equation? Answer: I can't. Especially when I'm being paid to write about it!

So, yes, So-So Stephanie, I will start watching other shows you watch. If they are Celebrity Apprentice, Celebrity Rehab, and Sister Wives. (Oh, I didn't mention Sister Wives, but it's another fave of mine. I know, Dad, I watch too much TV. Some things never change. But look! Now I'm getting paid for it. Well, sorta.)

With much Blog Love,
FabuLeslie

P.S. I'll work on the 'becoming-psychic' thing.

Happy Blog-iversa-mergency to Me!

2011-03-02T18:34:00.000-06:00

Photo via iclipart.com

So today I'm teaching my first graders, minding my own business, and one of the girls from another first grade class comes across the hall, peeks her head into my doorway and says, "Ms. P. said she's having an emergency." I couldn't hear her very well because she was speaking so softly, so I said, "What?" Again, she said, "Ms. P. said she's having an emergency." At this point, I kick into calm/panic mode and walk calmly while panicking across the floor and into Ms. P.'s room as fast as possible --wondering what terrible pukey, bloody, horrifying disaster I would find-- where everything looks perfectly normal. Ms. P. sees the panic on my face and says, "What did she tell you?" And I say, "that you were having an emergency..." Ms. P says, "I said to ask you if you had any Emergen-c! I have a sore throat and a headache."

I love my job!

Photo via iStockphoto

On a related note, I also love my blog! And it's been one lovely year of writing since I started it. Sure, I don't write as often as I did in the first few blog-addicted months --when I wrote this and this and these- but such is the ebb and flow of life, I suppose. I still love writing my blog and reading other blogs. Thanks for all your faithful readership for the past year! It's nice to know people enjoy reading. And now, here's to year #2!

The cleavage was deep. And wide.

2011-02-28T21:22:00.000-06:00

Feeling much better. Thanks for all the well wishes.

We start out with the pros and cons for choosing each girl. I would list them here, but honestly, I was not paying much attention. Kinda zoned out. And don't wanna bother to rewind TiVo. Bor-ing.

Chantal and Brad go on a Safari together. She talks about how eating lunch with a hippo and feeling safe with Brad is a metaphor for their relationship. You know, because there are scary things happening around every corner in their relationship, and... and.. blah blah. Then she gets all Boston on our ass and talks about how her love for him is "... more than a feeling." So now, how could I not include the following video for you in case you want some music by which to read the rest of the re-cap. It actually is kind of enjoyable. Or distracting. Skip it if you want. Then write in the comments that you listened and loved it. I'll never know.

The cleavage at dinner is deep. And wide. It inspires Brad to share that he's the most comfortable around her as compared with all the other hoochies on the show. Then there's a discussion about getting married on a whim, and he shares that he loves her spontaneity. "My GOD," he loves that about her. Suddenly the "let's go to the fantasy suite" note arrives, and Chantal says she doesn't want any more dinner. She's ready for the fantasy suite. Like NOW. So they go to the treehouse and do unspeakable things that we don't get to know about. I hope they don't get murdered by a pack of wild lions or something. No seriously. I hope that doesn't happen.

No sign of "no doubt about it" in this episode yet. Don't let your guard down. We must be vigilant. Wait for it.

He can't put it into words how happy he is to see Emily. He says he forgot something, and when he returns, he's on an elephant. Then, with a reverse-worst-fear moment, she discloses that she has always dreamed of coming to Africa and riding an elephant. Note to self: when producers from the Bachelor ask about your worst fears, LIE. When they ask about your hopes and dreams, DREAM BIG. And then wear some short daisy dukes on that elephant. And say, "Oh, my goodness gracious, oh my dear lord.." a lot. They sit down to dinner, and Brad can't reach for the wine fast enough. He is so nervous and awkward with her! It's weird. It's like he wants to love her and she wants to love him. But there's not really anything there. She said she is falling in love with him, but he is shocked. And then he shares that he's falling in love with her too. Weird! Because they are so awkward together! Then they commence to gettin' it on and the cameras leave the fantasy suite.

Ashley! Even shorter daisy dukes than the cold, prude-y mom, Emily! Well done, Ash. He'll be powerless to resist. He takes her to a helicopter and she actually runs away from it for a second. Then she realizes she's in Africa and there's nowhere to run to. (Can't think of the song reference here. Do it yourself. I gave you Boston.) She freaks out and says that it is her biggest fear. (Again, what have we learned here about sharing your biggest fears with producers of reality tv shows? Several things. One is you might want to make up some fears that you don't really have, so, say you're afraid of helicopters even when you aren't. If you have these fears, you will probably have a better chance to be chosen for a show like this than if you don't.) Brad then starts the 20 questions portion of the day. He asks if she will be able to "live and not just achieve..." and if she will be able to find balance in life. She admits that she has a "need to achieve" in dental school, and he doesn't say it, but is basically worried that she will be too focused on her career and will not be able to dote on him like the wife he wants to have. Then she won't say that she will move to Austin happily to be his wife if it comes to that. And he wants her to say that. But she won't. And they both get frustrated because they are each leaving too many things unsaid. She says yes to the fantasy suite. And he says, "...we had so much... we can still have so much..." He means, of course, that they can have so much...sex, but he doesn't say that last word.

And now, speaking of sex, may I take a moment to say thanks, ABC, for the following:

Now the elusive Chris Harrison appears. Brad confides in him that he is freaking out, and decides that he needs to talk to Ashely again before the rose ceremony. Which makes me think he's going to ask her to stay. And let Chantal go??? Sucky! I'm bummed. Maybe I'll be wrong. I hope.

Ok. I'm exhausted. Now he says he just doesn't know if he can fit into her life, and that he wanted answers to questions. She says she wishes she could just sit down and answer all those questions. Uhhh, Ash, that's what the DATE was for. When you totally dodged his questions and refused to say you'd move to Austin to be his love slave if he asked you to. She totally did this to them. He just wanted her to say she loves him, or that she is falling in love with him or that she might be able to move to Austin with him someday, or something, anything, to help him know she won't reject him later. And she was so prideful that she couldn't even do that. And then she gets mad at him for sending her home. Too bad. Just like a crazy woman.

Oh! And we have our "no doubt about it"!! Yay! "I was so lucky to have Ashley here, and felt very strongly for Ashley. No doubt about it..." Now I can go to bed and sleep peacefully knowing all is right with the world. 'Night, all!

P.S. Who the hell is Romeo? And exactly how sad is it that I have only ever heard of approximately half of the new contestants on Dancing with the Stars? Sugar Ray says it's all psychological, spiritual and mental... I've never watched that show, but maybe I should start. It could be the new show I recap? Not sure if I could handle having to watch it every time it's on, though...

Give mommy a kiss!

2011-02-22T17:28:00.000-06:00

Four Hometown Dates
1) Chantal O. - Seattle, Washington -"I am a total relationship person."
At Chantal's house, Brad meets the little furballs (1 dog and 2 cats), and Boca likes him, despite the fact that Chantal warned him he might get bitten by Boca. I'm pretty sure Boca was named after Boca burgers, because he does look like a little burger with fur.

Ok, can we talk about this house that her parents own? In true Brad-speak, he says, "I don't know what I'm in store for..." and man, I have to say that the parental home makes it feel like we're watching a soap opera. Dad has a statue of a guy carving himself out of a rock, representing a self-made man. Seriously. And why would anyone need that much ceiling space unless it was for the lighting that a soap opera requires? Dad and Brad then bond over their common masonry heritage, and her dad refers to her as a "great gal..." Blah blah blah.

Cut in this soap opera to Chantal O. and her mom on the feminine chairs having a heart to heart about falling in love again, after the ex-husband. Giggly hug.

Back to wine with the boys where Brad asks for soap opera dad's daughter's hand in marriage, wait, Brad doesn't ask. Chantal's dad offers her hand to Brad in marriage. Well done, Brad. And by Brad I mean, Chantal's Dad.

2) Ashley - Madawaska(?), Maine - "Coming back [to Madawaska] really warms my heart."
Apparently there are lots of French-speaking people in this region. She takes him to a hometown restaurant where she had her first job. The waitstaff asks, in French, how he's doing, and genius Brad replies, "Si." Oh my. At least he was appropriately embarrassed.

She wants a dish called poutine, which is fries with cheese and gravy. He exclaims that at least it's better than sushi! (WHAT? I'm sorry, Brad. Deal Breaker. At least you have these 4 girls left because you would not have me after a remark like that.) They feed the fries to each other, and there is a very romantic moment where she says, "And I see your crown!" hee hee hee ...Pledge not to waste any more time talking about reassuring each other about feelings... giggle giggle giggle.

Visit with the family... Brad leaves saying he doesn't want to leave.

3) Shawntel - Chico, California- "Death has been a big part of my life since I was a little girl, which I think is pretty healthy."
Shawntel gets to be the creepy weirdo now that Michelle is gone. Brad goes directly to the mausoleum where she works, and he is visibly freaked out. She shows him the crematorium, and he says, "I've been thinkin' that if Shawntel and I get married, these are gonna be our conversations... they're gonna be centered around death..." He says, "It fascinates me that you embalm people...." Read, "It disgusts me and scares me that you embalm people..." Then with the creepy music playing, he lies down on the embalming table and she describes what she does to embalm someone. He admits he's creeped out.

Man, I wonder what the producers told her to get her to do all this with him! Death is not attractive, I don't care if it is your passion and your life's work. How did she get convinced to make this the first experience he has at her hometown visit?? So weird.

Then it gets weirder when they have dinner with the fam. Here's a quick (paraphrased) synopsis of the convo at dinner:
Shawntel's Dad: My daughter is awesome. I'm so lucky! I'm old and she's better at embalming than I am. She could take over the family death business tomorrow! Or another day soon... and she just might!!
Shawntel: Daddy, I'm falling in love with Brad, and if he wants me to move to Austin with him, I will. Screw your business, and screw Chico!
Brad: [gulp]
Shawntel: Seriously. When you fall in love, you may do things you didn't expect.
Shawntel's Dad: Uh, Darling daughter, may I have a word with you?

Then Shawntel and Daddy go in the other room and Shawntel says, "Daddy! Don't mess this up for me!! He is THIS close to asking me to marry him, and I know I sealed the deal when I asked him to lie down on the embalming table today!! Don't make him think he'll have to come here and live with me in the death business, or he'll turn and run away like a man with half the sense that God gave a billygoat."

Cut to everyone sitting around together enjoying each other's company. Everything good? Yup. All good.

4) Emily - Charlotte, North Carolina - "Mommy is so happy right now!"
To break the ice of their first meeting, Brad gives Emily's daughter Ricky a butterfly kite. AWKWARD. The little daughter is not interested in talking to Brad or even looking him in the eye! Ugh. The silent treatment is the worst! Brad tries to work his magic on her, like he has on most other women in his life. She starts to enjoy the kite, and there is hope that this little girl might not instantly crush everything her mom and the re-Bachelor have worked so hard to build in various exotic, romantic destinations of the world. Emily keeps calling him "Mr. Brad" which is a little weird. They play games together, and before the night is over, Ricky gives Brad the re-Bachelor a picture that she has drawn of the kite. He gets summoned upstairs to say goodnight to her, and all is well.

The 2 grown-ups sit down and visit, enjoying the afterglow of the day. Emily confesses to the producers, the 20 camera-men, and all of America that she's waiting for him to kiss her, and then he confides in her that he wants to show her respect, and therefore doesn't want to kiss her, but wants to hug her goodnight instead of kissing her. You know. Because her daughter is upstairs. Ok. Umm, then she points out that, helloooo, if this works out, that kid will always be upstairs! She says it's sweet, but basically she wants her damn kiss! The he says, "I don't wanna leave weird." And our damsel reaches up and kisses him saying, "It's ok to kiss me." That's our 21st century heroine! Take what you need, girl! It's on you to get yours. No one's gonna do it for you!

Wrap-up of the dates we JUST SAW
Then we have a wrap-up with Chris Harrison. You know. Because we just watched all these dates within the PAST HOUR. Thank goodness we got to have that memory-refresher!

Of course, Shawntel is sent home by Brad to inherit her father's funeral home after all. And after she made that stand for Brad and everything! Aw, man! It's ok. We knew her heart was in death, and she can stay with it in Chico now. I bet her Daddy is one happy camper!

As Brad walks her out to say goodbye, he comforts her by telling her she "will find the perfect guy, no doubt about it." Did I mention he says that too much!? Because he does. No doubt about it.

Nightie night, sweet little maidens.

2011-02-21T19:36:00.000-06:00

Ok, so, I survived my first day back to work after a week of horrific flu and Restrictive Airway Disease symptoms, but now, as I'm watching the Bachelor and trying to keep my eyes open, it's not going well. I have such witty things in my head, but no patience or energy to memorialize them in cyberspace. That means I must take to my bed, and write the rest tomorrow after my day job ends. Alas, it is a sacrifice, but one my readers are well worth, especially because I know they will understand. Thanks, dear readers. Until tomorrow, I bid you adieu. Wait. Why am I talking like a 16th century English maid all of a sudden? No idea. I told you I need to go to bed.

Oh here go hell come!

2011-02-20T13:53:00.000-06:00

It's my birthday! I'm still coughing like crazy and wishing I could just sleep but I decided even though I had to postpone my celebration that was scheduled for yesterday evening, it would be too pathetic to let my birthday come and go without getting a chocolate chip cookie cake with some silly words on it. So, here ya go.

The picture was supposed to be a bowl of soup, but I knew I was in trouble when she said, "how'm I supposed to make the bowl of soup?" on the phone. Uhh, you're the great cookie cake artist... isn't that your job to figure out? But, I went ahead and said, "I don't know, I guess make some steam coming off the top? And maybe have a spoon coming out of it?" Oh well. I guess steam is too much to ask for. The Soup is in honor of the show that brings me laughs and smiles on a consistent, weekly basis.

I know most people don't get me, even fewer as I age. But here's to the few who do. Enjoy. Happy birthday to me!

I'm too sick to think of a title.

2011-02-15T12:44:00.000-06:00

Have you ever coughed so hard you peed a little in your pants? No? Yeah, me neither.

So, I got the swine. It wasn't confirmed, but I'm pretty sure that's what's going on here. I haven't been this sick in a while. The cough is really somethin'. And the fever, the aches and pains. Man! Miserable few days I got going on here.

So it crossed my mind that I might be able to skip the Bachelor wrap-up post this week. But then I read the comments on my last post and found So-So Stephanie demanding the post, no matter my ailments. So, here ya go. I consider this my job even though I get paid in comments instead of money. Just as important. So, here we go.

A 2-hour commercial for the Caribbean island of Anguilla. Actually, it's a 1.5 hour commercial for Anguilla, with a half-hour commercial for the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit edition. Seriously, these shows really only have enough content in them for one hour.

Can I just say that Chris Harrison has the best gig in television? He's there, he tapes one segment explaining to the girls what's going to happen in the week, and then excuses himself until the next rose ceremony.

Wait. Did Brad just use the word, "bevy"? As in "Look at this bevy of beauties!"? Now, maybe it's all this cold medicine I'm on, but I just had to rewind it and yes. That's what I heard him say. Umm, if you can use the word "bevy" could you also please get the word "rappel" right?

Anyway, I was saying, what does Chris Harrison do in the meantime? My guess? Lounge on the beach. Does his wife travel with him? If so, maybe I want her job. Usually, if he was a journalist or something, I'd assume he would be researching and writing the stories that he will report on at the next on-screen event. But, at his next on-screen event, he will just say a couple things about roses and then be done. Really. I want his job.

Brad takes Emily to a deserted island, where she uses the words "pretty" and "nice" a bunch of times to describe the setting. Hey, Em (as he has taken to calling her), use understatements much? Blah blah blah, can I meet your daughter? I don't know. Blah blah blah. Make out session in the Caribbean Sea.

Ok, another grammar note: "Whatever's happening between you and I, I really like it." Let's stop the overuse of the word "I" in our society. This stops here and now. You use the word "I" when it is the subject of a sentence. So, in this case, the person speaking becomes the object of the sentence, right? So it should be "...between you and me." It's ok to use the word 'me.' Sorry people corrected you as a child when you said, "Me and so-and-so are going to the park." In that case, you should use the word 'I' instead of 'me.' That does not mean, however, that every time you talk about 2 people doing something, you must use the word 'I'. Sometimes, the word 'me' is appropriate. Don't be afraid of it.

Shawntel N. goes to a local marketplace with Brad and finds our re-Bachelor to be extra-attractive when interacting with "other people." Then, Shawntel and Brad have a real Chantal and Brad moment when they witness a downpour and promptly start making out. Uh-oh. Don't tell Chantal about this. The rain was supposed to be her thing with Brad.

Britt and Brad act like brother and sister on their date on the yacht, and when Michelle says of Britt and Brad, "...not only do I not see them getting married, I don't even see them friending each other on Facebook," her prediction is accurate in an uncanny, if bitchy, way.

Ok. Normally, I don't like to comment on the bodies of people, even if they are on tv, but Britt really looks anorexic to me as she is climbing the cliff to go cliff jumping from. I see her ribs. And I don't like to see ribs unless they are on my dinner plate at a Bar-B-Q restaurant. Maybe that's just me.

Again, Michelle makes a prediction that comes true with, "Group dates suck!"

Has anyone else noticed that Brad says, "No doubt about it," entirely too much? Because he does.

Ok, this orange lingerie dress Britt is wearing is AWFUL. It looks like she forgot to put her dress on over her slip. The awkwardness on the date is ten times worse. And then he sends her off in the floaty lifeboat. Kudos, Britt, on a very dignified exit from the yacht. Man, the girls were way more thrilled to see Britt than Brad ever was. Maybe some of the girls should think about dating each other instead.

Brad wakes the girls up before the crack of dawn so they can do a surprise photo shoot for the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue. The best moment of the entire group date is when Ashley jumps up in her Sports Illustrated swimsuit, arms in the air, and shouts at the top of her lungs, "NO BOOBS!" She laughs and hugs Brad, giggling about her itty bitty ones. The photographers then ask the girls to go topless and all hell breaks loose.

Yeah, in the next minutes it becomes clear that Brad has bigger boobs than Ashley. Or "Ash" as he calls her.

He then spends the entire group date assuring the women that he wants them all there.

P.S. What is that GREEN drink they all have? It looks like an avocado-pistachio-whirled peas color. Gross.

Brad declares that Michelle is stubborn, and he wonders if they would "go round and round..." if they were in a relationship together.

Ok. Chris Harrison must have earned overtime pay for this episode. Instead of just saying, "Ladies, Brad, this is the final rose tonight. When you're ready." He had to hear Brad ask if he could skip the cocktail party because his mind was already made up about who he was sending home. And then he had to halfheartedly try to talk Brad into having the cocktail party anyway. And then he had to go tell the girls that the cocktail party had been canceled. Whew. I'm exhausted. I don't know how Chris Harrison handles such an extreme workload!

In the end, Michelle goes home. Whew. Big relief. And the only thing scarier than her silent treatment of Brad on the walk out to the limo is the spooky weird thing she does in the limo where she lies down on the seat sideways in a semi-fetal position, rocks herself to the point she looks like she's trembling, and just doesn't speak. Creepy. I'm sure we haven't seen the last of her.

Oh, and that reminds me of the hilarious commercial for Virgin Mobile where they have a Michelle look-alike sitting in a tree, talking about how she can cyber-stalk Brad for just $25/month. So funny!

P.S. What is it Mark Twain said? I had to write you a long letter because I didn't have time to write you a short one? That's why this post is so long. My editing skills are hampered by my illness. Oh well. I'm sure you'll get over it and I'll be back to my succinct self next week.

Up yours, Valentine's Day!

2011-02-14T10:41:00.000-06:00

Ok, well, it's finally happened. Valentine's Day has actually made me physically sick. I submit to you the following evidence of my long-held belief that Valentine's Day sucks!

We had our V-day party at school on Friday, and that's when my symptoms started. I had a sore throat and a nagging cough. Then I ran on Saturday. On Sunday, as Valentine's Day got closer, I had a fever of 101 degrees all day and all night. Today I am snotty and gross. My throat hurts, I'm achey, feverish, coughy, and just gross.

To make matters worse, I spoke with a sub yesterday who said she could come in for me today, and then around 9:00 this morning I got a text asking if I talked to the sub because she wasn't there at school. What?? I called her and she said she is sick too, and that she called the school and told them she wouldn't be in for me after all. My school is the best ever, because they've got it all under control.

Still. Valentine's Day? Worst day of the year. Seriously.

Where's Jack Bauer when you need him?

2011-02-12T17:40:00.000-06:00

Ever wake up and feel like you wanna commit a great caper? Just round up Jack Bauer, John McClane, and Jason Bourne and go on a heist, the likes of which you've only ever seen on the big screen?

This morning, I got up to go on my run. I was coughing and my throat was sore. It was 34 degrees. Still, last Saturday I only did 20 minutes instead of the planned 40 minutes, so I decided to channel my inner badass and go anyway. I fed and walked Olive, donned my cold weather running clothes, and got ready to go.

Before I left, I glanced in the mirror, and saw there, staring back at me, my alter ego, Lesifer, missing her ski mask, but ready for the caper she'd been planning since Christmas.

I went to my running group's meeting place and ran 3.2 miles in 43 minutes. When I say 'ran' I mean I ran 7 minutes and walked 2 minutes, and did that for the whole run. And, it was totally do-able. Not easy, but do-able.

My wheezing was not pleasant. I tried to keep my mouth closed so the air could be warmed by my nose before whistling down my throat, but at the height of exertion, that's just not possible. At those times, it felt kinda like the ol' shards o' glass thing, but overall, that was the most unpleasant thing about the run.

Oh, and my sunglasses kept fogging up, which for me would be terribly annoying, but my badass alter ego seemed to take it in stride.

My buddies that I usually run with were not there today, either, so, alas, no heist, but at least I got my miles/minutes on my feet, and I'm another step closer to the 10k at the end of March. And being able to run that 10k and feel like I did today? That'll be better than anything I could snake in a heist.

Hey Abe Lincoln, Mint THIS!

2011-02-11T16:19:00.000-06:00

We've been learning about coins and money. We've looked at all the details of the penny, nickel, dime, and quarter. We talked about the Lincoln Memorial because it's on the back of the penny. At the end of today we were having our Valentine's Day party (ugh! I hate this 'holiday' more than I can accurately express).

Silly Willy: I need to go to the Lincoln Memorial.
Me: What?
Silly Willy: I need to go to the Lincoln Memorial! [giggling, pointing toward the restroom] You know. The bathroom?!

Cheech reads a story.

2011-02-10T19:01:00.000-06:00

We're reading a book called Let's Plant a Garden in a small group, and we are reviewing the vocabulary words that will be in the book that the students may need support with before reading the book. One of those words is "weed." The following is the conversation that occurred:

Photo via iStockphoto

Me: What's this word?
Students: [sounding out the word] weed
Me: Right. Weed. What's a weed?
Silly Willy: Weed is, um, it's a plant that grows-
Me: Yes...
Silly Willy: -and it's only for grown-ups, not for kids...
Me: Yes, that's one kind of weed. Actually in this case, it's a plant that grows in your garden that isn't supposed to be there...

My Review of Road Runner Sports Drymax Thin Low Cut 3pk Socks

2011-02-09T19:30:00.001-06:00

Originally submitted at Road Runner Sports

Road Runner Sports Drymax Thin Low Cut 3pk

Great socks!

By Accidental Runner from Austin, TX on 2/9/2011

Sizing: Feels true to size

Pros: Attractive Design, Comfortable, Soft

Best Uses: Running

Describe Yourself: Runner

I got these as a gift and I am shocked at how much better they are than other socks I've used. The cushioning on the heel and ball, the mild compression at the arch, the lack of chafing all over... it all works together to help me have a better run. I haven't had them long enough to comment on durability, but they seem strong. Great socks!

(legalese)

Nama..steak and potatoes sounds deeelish right now!

2011-02-09T17:50:00.000-06:00

Woman, you so crazy!

2011-02-08T20:40:00.000-06:00

Two Random Conversations

#1 Uhh, am I really the crazy one?
Silly Willy (waiting in the lunch line): Are you crazy, woman?? This shirt is from the '70s!
Me: blink blink
Silly Willy: Are you crazy, woman?? This shirt is from the '70s!
Me: It doesn't look like it's from the '70s, but even if it is, why are you asking if I'm crazy?
[pause]
[grin]
Silly Willy: I'm tryin' to be funnyyyyy.

#2 [The password is: volunteer.]
Me (talking to the class about a picture in a book of people volunteering at a community center): So, if you are working and helping out in your community without getting paid, you are a...
The Artist: worker!
Me: No, let's say it's not your job to help out, but you help out anyway. You're.... anyone? Bueller? (Ok. I didn't say Beuller, but sometimes I say stuff like that just to entertain myself.)
Precocious One: helping!
Me: Yes, you're helping, but what do we call those people? You know, if you work in the community center and then at the end you don't get paid, you're...
Cutie Pie: Disappointed!

Umm, She'll be waiting... all nice and wet.

2011-02-07T22:32:00.000-06:00

Tonight I can't stand a full recap of the re-Bachelor's dates in Costa Rica. So, what you're getting is a random collection of my thoughts while watching the Bachelor, and quotes from the show. After all, many of you, including So-So-Stephanie, reminded me in the comments section that it's MY blog and I should write about what I want to write about. Uh-oh. I hope you haven't created a monster.

"I'll be waiting for you on the other side. All nice and wet." -Chantal O.

Umm, does Brad sound at all like Kermit the Frog to anyone else? That's not a quote. That's just a question I'd like an answer to.

"This could happen every night." -Brad

Umm, hey, Brad, it's me, FabuLeslie. Really? It could happen every night? It could be that every night you're in Costa Rica with ABC's nearly unlimited Bachelor budget at your disposal and 6-8 girls waiting for you back at the house if this particular chic gets outta line and doesn't do what you want? Really? 'Cuz, I don't think it could be like that every night. Well, maybe it could. In Utah.

"We are repelling down a waterfall." -Brad

Oh, God, more repelling. Nooooo! Please, no. I'm seriously gonna call ABC myself and ask someone to tell him to stop embarrassing himself. Is there something I'm missing? 'Cuz I looked it up and I'm pretty sure the word is still 'rappelling.' Really. Agghhhhhh!

"It's really annoying to see Brad being so nice to the other girls.... We had a pact! We're gonna repel again. We're gonna repel together!" -Michelle (Psycho-b****), as she punches Brad

"I don't see you with her...and I'm not just saying that because, like, I want you to end up with me, like, I'm saying that because, like, I care about you...." -Michelle

"Here's the deal... tonight, I'm not going to hand out a rose." -Brad

"If he can't make a decision, I'll be forced to take matters into my own hands." -Michelle

Ok, Producers, I know you want to put all the girls in situations where they have to face their worst fears with Brad by their side to make their bond seem stronger than it really is, but, umm, I think the cave trip with Alli where she had to be around spiders and bugs and bats could have been either:
A) more well-lit, or
B) in a place other than a cave
See, the problem is, when you watch TV, you want to see more than just darkness while you listen to creepy crawly creatures and a scared little girl's screeches. You want to SEE that stuff. I know. I'm weird like that.

"We're sinking.... we're sinking." -Brad and Alli on a floating platform in the bubbling swamp. So symbolic. She doesn't get the rose and has to leave immediately.

"My feelings ...they grew a lot for you and... I have fallen in love with you.. I love you..." -Chantal O.

Wooo, girl! Chantal O.! Dropping the L-bomb. Look what you diii-id! That girl's got some balls on her! Nice move.

I love how Chris says, "Chantillo" when he's talking to Chantal O.

Why is Britt still there with everyone?!

Aaaaand Jackie goes home. Aww. So sad. Except that she gets to escape being stabbed to death in her sleep by Michelle when she finally flips the hell out. Run away, Jackie! Run like the wind!! Save yourself!

Hello, my name is FabuLeslie, and I'm a runner.

2011-02-06T17:15:00.004-06:00

Ok, you know what? Too bad if you don't like to read about running. I've been refraining from writing about it for fear of your not wanting to read it, but who cares? It's like I've found a new love in running, and I can't think about anything else. Just like when I first started blogging, remember? I was obsessed? And sometimes I chased people with funny orange flags down in the streets? Well, I learned to be more moderate about blogging, and maybe I will someday learn that with running, too. But for now, you're just gonna have to let me go on and on about it until I get it outta my system. Maybe then I'll have the time and inclination to read blogs as much as I write blog posts. Unlike lately, when all I can do is eat, sleep, work, run, and write a post every once in a while when I can find something other than running to write about, like the Bachelor.

I started another blog on wordpress to talk about running and my journey to health, but I've been watching a lot of United States of Tara lately via Netflix and I want my blogging life to be integrated, not fractured, like her personality. So, I've decided to write about running here, with everything else. So, indulge, me, won't you? Grin and bear it. Whatever you have to do to stick with me through my love of running. It's much appreciated. And I still promise to be back to read all your blogs again someday, even if that day comes this summer, when my day job disappears for a couple months. Thanks.

Image via iStockphoto

I need to document my long, hard-fought battle against crappy ‘Frankenfood.’ That’s what Jillian Michaels calls it. You know, the food that’s not really food, but more like food products? That journey is hard, and it sucks, and I've been at it for a while.

Then, I found running, and everything changed. Well, not everything. It's still freakin' hard. But, I want to get off the additives and preservatives to help my running. Sure, it will hopefully help me release 50 pounds of extra weight that I insist on carrying around, but the reason I’m ditching McDonald’s? Because I want to be a runner. A healthy runner. Not a great runner or a fast runner, but the least injured runner my body can be for years to come. Feel free to read about the 3-month running journey to my first 5k. On January 8, I began my journey to my first 10k, which will happen at the end of March.

Yesterday I was supposed to do a long run with my running group at 8am. The problem was it was supposed to be 26 degrees at 8am, and I had no running clothes for that weather. Well, I had bought some running pants online, but when they came they were about 3 inches too long! So I couldn’t use those. Plus, even if I was going to use those, I would have needed an underlayer, and I didn’t have that. So, I decided to do my long run on my own later, when it would be 50 or 60 degrees instead.

I managed to get out there, but that’s one of the main victories I had. My goal was to run 40 minutes with 8 minutes running and 1 minute walking each interval. That did NOT happen. I ran the first 8 minutes (after warm-up and stretching), and thought, ohlord. I am not gonna be able to do this. I better walk 2 minutes instead of one. So I did. And then I ran another 8 minutes only to be exhausted and done after walking about 6 more. Ugh. I started to feel defeated and then remembered my goals. The ones OTHER than the 40 minute run.

I had set a goal to end obsessions and fears about a hurt knee. If I started worrying my knee was hurt or would get hurt, my goal was to think about my form. When one of my knees started to hurt early on in the run, I adjusted my form and it immediately felt better. Hooray! Goal: accomplished.

I had also set a goal to get good info about what intervals would be doable for me and which would be too hard or too easy. Well, I certainly got some info on that front! Goal: accomplished.

Oh, and I had set a goal to GET OUT AND RUN even though I didn’t go in the morning with my group. Goal: ACCOMPLISHED. YAY!

So, when I look at the run in that light, instead of thinking just about the 40 minutes I wasn’t able to manage, I’m feeling pretty good about it all. Well done, me. Well done.

The Chevy Bacon. It's more car than breakfast.

2011-02-06T11:23:00.003-06:00

I was driving to my evening run the other day and saw this:

Whaaa? Yeah. It's a Chevy Aveo LS Bacon. Awesome. Is this because it's bacon-colored? Does the persoon inside just really love bacon? So. Weird.

But it reminds me of the recipe I made this morning that I wanted to share with you. It's spinach artichoke mini-frittatas. I made up the recipe because I want something with protein and veggies to grab for breakfast on the way to work. Turned out to be pretty good, so I wrote it down. Please note: there is no bacon in this recipe, but I thought you could add some if you wanted.

Leslie’s Spinach Artichoke Mini-Frittatas
8 eggs
1 chopped scallion
1/3 cup finely chopped spinach and parsley
1 can artichokes
feta cheese
salt & pepper to taste

Lightly grease a jumbo muffin pan (the kind with 6 jumbo cups) with light olive oil. Scramble the eggs together with the scallion, spinach, parsley, salt and pepper. Rough chop the artichokes and place a few in the bottom of each muffin cup. Pour the egg mixture evenly into the muffin cups. Sprinkle the tops with a generous amount of feta cheese. Bake at 325 for 16-18 minutes, or until the eggs are almost set. Let them cool in the pan so they can set completely. Enjoy!

Totally on a grampage!

2011-02-05T14:21:00.000-06:00

The Birthday Girl, with her full-on old lady posture and all.

So, the other night I went on a grampage. What's a grampage, you ask? Well, it's a superfun pub crawl where people dress up like old people, and ride the bus from one pub to the next. I, of course, only went to the first pub and then went home because I had a run in the morning that I was nervous about and didn't want to be dehydrated. I also didn't dress up because I'm a fuddy duddy like that sometimes, and, well, I guess being a fuddy duddy isn't the worst costume for an old person costume, right? But everyone else went to many pubs that evening, and we all had a great time. This is just the best idea ever, so I got permission from the people involved to post pics here. See, my friend Heidi is an artist, and it was her birthday, and this is how she wanted to celebrate. She's not only super talented and artsy, but she teaches art to elementary kids, and does an amazing job. This grampage idea was hers, and I just had to share it. Enjoy!